"Okay in the basement we have Benny the God of Fear, his serving wench Sassy, and his gopher Dr. Schulz. They don't leave their room except under certain circumstances, so meeting one of them is generally a sign that something is very very wrong. In the other downstairs room is our Guild Mage and researcher Bartholomeow and his lab. Truffles has adopted him. Seeing Bartholomeow out of his room, or Truffles in view of anyone not in the Guild is also a sign something is very very bad."
"Our Guild membership varies heavily, and some members are missing or not living here. Given our situation we'd prefer you live here for your safety ad ours. If anyone claims to be a Guild member, please consult the official Members list here (waves book). It has everyones name and likeness. Most of our current members are women.We also have all the lady ghosts on the premises as well, and Ted. Ted is a ...well we don't know what the Hell Ted is but we've adopted him as a sort of trainee/hired help. Do not abuse him, he's a nice guy."
"Common visitors will include Sheriff Stefanescu, who won his position by successfully wrestling a Pit Fiend in a death match for the fate of the city. He has no sense of humor or patience, but is a fair guy as long as you don't piss him off. We commonly deal with him or his deputies. Our Guild also has a loose affiliation with the Grigovakis family who own the Broken Kneecap bad and tavern. They helped us get our start, and in return we help them out too occasionally. And their regulars. We also have ties to Goober, the Dretch bartender at the airport monster bar."
"Due to their help on a sensitive issue, the Assassin's Guild occasionally uses our headquarters as a neutral meeting ground/hookup place. Tell no one. We may also be getting involved in the current election for the president of the Evil Minion's Union. Any questions?"