Min/Max Boards

"We...will agree...to move...to the...mountains.  If...tribute...is provided."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrZkcVndaN0

Frank Douglas?
                      Large Giant
Hit Dice:             4d8+28 (46 hp)
Initiative:           -1
Speed:                30 ft. (6 squares)
Armor Class:          16 (-1 Size, -1 Dex, +8 Natural), touch 8, flat-footed 16
Base Attack/Grapple:  +3/+12
Attack:               Slam +7 melee (1d4+5 plus radiation)
Full Attack:          2 Slams +7 melee (1d4+5 plus radiation)
Space/Reach:          10 ft./10 ft.
Special Attacks:      Radioactive Touch, Frightful Presence, Improved Grab, Radioactive Field 20 ft.
Special Qualities:    Darkvision 60 ft., Immune to Radiation, DR 10/-
Saves:                Fort +11, Ref +0, Will +0
Abilities:            Str 21, Dex 9, Con 24, Int 8, Wis 8, Cha 6
Skills:               Listen +1, Move Silently +2, Spot +1
Feats:                Endurance, Diehard
Environment:          Any
Organization:         Unique?
Challenge Rating:     8 (9 once it gains it's Radioactive Field)
Treasure:             None
Alignment:            Neutral
Advancement:          5-6 HD (Large), 7-12 HD (Huge)
Level Adjustment:     ---

"Looks like some kind of a burn.  But it didn't touch his hair or his clothes."

In 1965 a space capsule re-entered Earth's atmosphere (possibly without it's occupant), somewhere near the long cursed city of Chicago.  A helicopter pilot who finds the capsule (which is mysteriously too small to have a human on board) is immediately murdered while on the radio with the local military, who are so poor they have to drive their own personal vehicles.  They describe the body as "mangled in a way no one had ever seen before", which implies the local police have long made friends with hyperbole.  He is further described as 'shrivelled and burned", though this is not displayed on the body what so ever.  Clearly something is afoot with the local water supply.

The forensics is handled by a local laboratory in bed with the space force, and it is their humble opinion that the capsules astronaut, Frank Douglas, has not only survived the crash, but is now a highly radioactive killing machine.  Their evidence for this is....umm...well, they have no evidence, it's really just something the lab tech pulled out of his butt.  Pretty soon a monster (okay, a tall ugly guy) begins murdering every monsters favorite prey: horny teenagers in their early 30's.  And, of course, anyone who indiscriminately wanders into it's sight.  Inexplicably, the murders cease for 8 weeks, and the local lab claims the radiation from the 10 foot tall, 400 pound monster turns people's blood to powder.  How they know this, given that the monster has left no witnesses is anyone's guess.  The lab also casually admits that one of their own, Dr. Logan, gave Frank injections to help him resist radiation.  It has some side effects, such as 'gigantism', which, if cured, results in the patients death.  Well, wtf Dr. Logan?

As it turns out, Dr. Logan had been keeping the monster sedated in his lab.  How he accomplishes this with no physical abilities or personal protective equipment at all is not explained.  He'd hoped to cure 'Frank', but the giant escapes one night when Dr. Logan is late coming home, and the sedatives wear off.  Dr. Logan is not only incompetent, he is unable to explain to the other scientists why he told them nothing of this until the escape.  The new antidote he made works, but wears off quicker each time it is administered, and Frank's radioactivity is growing stronger.  He will soon contaminate a 50 mile radius.  Again, how they know this is not clear.  A state of emergency is declared, and the hunt is on for the deformed giant, who goes unseen despite leaving a trail of radioactive bodies.

Coming up with the brilliant idea of leaving Geiger counters in random spots, it is estimated the lethal range of the giant now extends out to 20 to 25 feet.  Escaping into the sewers ((apparently old Frank hasn't completely lost his mind), he is pursued by the authorities in untested PPE, and carrying a 'decontaminating spray that reduces radiation.'  Casual reader, these are braver fools than I.  But to their surprise, the monster and his radiation simply disappear, only for Frank Douglas to be  found 8000 miles away with amnesia.  In a boat.  The monster (assuming it's not simply a mass hallucination), is a tall, balding, lanky man with a deformed face.  Said to be 10 foot tall, and weigh over 400 lbs. he is clearly neither of those things.  IF he can talk, he chooses not to.  He simply wanders aimlessly, taking out anything he sees.

Radioactive Touch (Ex): Any creature Frank touches must make a Save against Radiation (Note that while this works mechanically like poison, Immunity to poison doesn't protect you from it.  Immunity to Radiation does.  Contact, DC 19 Fortitude Save (Save DC is Con based), Initial damage 2d6 permanent Con drain, Secondary damage is death.  Anything he touches is irradiated as well, and anything else touching what Frank has touched must make a DC 19 Fortitude Save (Save DC lowers by -1 for each passing week) or succumb to 2d6 Permanent Con drain as well.  This drops to 1d8 Con when the Save DC drops to 15.  It falls to 1d6 when the DC reaches 12. 1d3 when it reaches DC 10.

Frightful Presence (Ex): Frank can inspire terror by charging or attacking. Creatures within 30 feet of Frank who have less Hit Dice than him (or any amount of HD if they know about his radioactivity) must succeed on a DC 14 Will save or become shaken, remaining in that condition as long as they remain with 30 feet of Frank. The save DC is Charisma-based, with a +4 Racial Bonus.  Creatures who Save succeeds are immune to Frank's Frightful Presence for 25 hours.

Improved Grab (Ex): To use this ability, Frank must hit with a Slam attack. He can then attempt to start a grapple as a free action without provoking an attack of opportunity.

Radioactive Field (Ex): Franks radioactivity increases throughout the film, and at some point simply being near him is deadly.  In addition to his touch attack, any creature within 20 feet of him must
make a save to avoid the radiation's effects: Contact, DC 19 Fortitude Save (Save DC is Con based), Initial damage 2d6 Con, Secondary damage is death.  The Save DC increases by +1 each round a creature remains within the area of effect.

Combat: Frank (or whatever he is), plods along at a slow walk, grabbing anything he can get close to.  He's not what you'd call a tactical genius.

"Unknown.  It's never been tried before without things going wrong.  One party always gets ... ambitious."


He stares pointedly at the ghoul as he says this, and on looking you recognize the ghoul lord as the one you've nearly put down a few times.  Steady meals have bulked him up quite a bit.  He looks at you and Heldin quickly turns to him.

"Nein."

Cohle
                      Medium Undead
Hit Dice:             20d12 (130 hp)
Initiative:           +6
Speed:                30 ft. (6 squares)
Armor Class:          29 (+2 Dex, +5 Natural, +7 Armor, +5 Deflection), touch 17, flat-footed 27
Base Attack/Grapple:  +15/+17 (+19 w/belt)
Attack:               Touch +23 melee touch (Numbness) or Slam +23 melee (1d3+8 plus Numbness) or +5 Short Sword +24 melee (1d6+9/17-20) or +5 Hand Crossbow +22 ranged (1d4+5/17-20)
Full Attack:          Touch +23 melee touch (Numbness) or 2 Slams +23 melee (1d3+8 plus Numbness) or +5 Short Sword +24/+24/+19/+14 melee (1d6+9/17-20) or +5 Hand Crossbow +22 ranged (1d4+5/17-20)
Space/Reach:          5 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks:      Disturbing Speech, Numbing Touch, Sneak Attack +10d6
Special Qualities:    Darkvision 60 ft., undead traits, Limited Immortality, DR 15/Silver, +4 Turn Resistance, Immunities, Trapfinding, Evasion, Trap Sense +6, Uncanny Dodge, Improved Uncanny Dodge, Defensive Roll, Opportunist, Improved Evasion, Slippery Mind, True Seeing
Saves:                Fort +6, Ref +16, Will +8
Abilities:            Str 15 (19 w/belt), Dex 14, Con -, Int 14, Wis 14, Cha 18
Skills:               Appraise +10, Balance +12, Bluff +14, Climb +10 (+12 w/belt), Decipher Script +12, Diplomacy +18, Disable Device +12, Forgery +12, Gather Information +16, Hide +15, Intimidate +16, Jump +12 (+14 w/belt), Knowledge (Arcana, History, Local, Religion) +10, Listen +15, Move Silently +15, Open Lock +12, Search +15, Sense Motive +15, Sleight of Hand +14, Spot +15, Swim +10 (+12 w/belt), Tumble +14, Use Magic Device +14, and Use Rope +10.
Feats:                Ability Focus (Disturbing Speech, Numbing Touch), Combat Reflexes, Improved Initiative, Savvy Rogue (Complete Scoundrel, abilities included in statblock), Telling Blow (PHBII), Weapon Finesse
Environment:          Any
Organization:         Unique
Challenge Rating:     22
Treasure:             See below
Alignment:            Neutral Evil
Advancement:          By Character Class (Rogue)
Level Adjustment:     +4

The being known as Cohle began life as a humble Sheriff's deputy, with one small wrinkle: he'd been born with a rare gift of second sight.  He saw things no one else could, which led to a lot of trouble before a caster figured out the truth.  Once his ability was discovered, his family pushed him into being a lawman, figuring he'd do well in the field (and incidentally promote the family name).

It was a disillusioning job for Cohle, and swiftly took a toll on his physical and mental health.  Corruption was everywhere, and when he stamped some out, it arose elsewhere, always looking to ensnare him.  At some point he snapped, and lived long enough to see himself become the villain.  Slaughtering those who would blackmail or otherwise compel him to do their bidding, Cohle forged a criminal empire and cult of personality like few the world has seen (well, his part of the world anyway).  Foreseeing his own death, he began to study Lichdom and other methods of extending one's life past death, but not being a caster didn't fit the bill.  So he commissioned casters and alchemists of every stripe to create a form of Lichdom that would apply to him. 

By the time his death arrived, he had plans laid.  In a magical ritual, his heart was removed, and placed in a vat of chemicals at an undisclosed location.  The toxic by product from the chemicals that give him life is toxic to living beings, and is responsible for the phenomenon known as the Florida Dead, as his main research and development facilities were hidden in the Florida swamps.

Cohle appears as a stiff, leathery skinned man, with long, balding black hair,  He has a drooping mustache, and unnaturally black eyes.  He appears to be human from  a distance, but up close the chemical smell and odd appearance gives him away.  Cohle speaks Common, Undercommon, Thieve's Cant and Infernal.

Disturbing Speech (Su):  Something is creepy and disturbing about Cohle's voice, making people uncomfortable to listen to him.  On any round Cohle speaks, he can use this ability as a Free Action if he chooses to.  Any nearby creature capable of hearing Cohle's voice (this is a Sonic, Mind-affecting Fear Effect) must make a DC 26 Willpower Save (Save DC is Cha based) or be Shaken for as long as Cohle continues to speak.  Unlike most abilities of this sort, succeeding in a Saving Throw does not render you immune to this ability for 24 hours.

Numbing Touch (Su): Any living creature touching, or touched by, Cohle must make a DC 26 Fortitude Save (Save DC is Cha based) or become Fatigued for 1 Minute.  IF they have to save a second time, and fail again, they become Exhausted for 1 Minute instead.  Subsequent hits do nothing until the Exhaustion wears off, whereupon this ability works again.

Sneak Attack (Ex):  Cohle’s attack deals extra damage any time his target would be denied a Dexterity bonus to AC (whether the target actually has a Dexterity bonus or not), or when the Cohle flanks his target. This extra damage is 10d6. Should Cohle score a critical hit with a sneak attack, this extra damage is not multiplied.

Ranged attacks can count as sneak attacks only if the target is within 30 feet.

With a sap (blackjack) or a Slam, Cohle can make a sneak attack that deals nonlethal damage instead of lethal damage. He cannot use a weapon that deals lethal damage to deal nonlethal damage in a sneak attack, not even with the usual -4 penalty.

Cohle can sneak attack only living creatures with discernible anatomies—undead, constructs, oozes, plants, and incorporeal creatures lack vital areas to attack. Any creature that is immune to critical hits is not vulnerable to sneak attacks. Cohle must be able to see the target well enough to pick out a vital spot and must be able to reach such a spot. Cohle cannot sneak attack while striking a creature with concealment or striking the limbs of a creature whose vitals are beyond reach.

Limited Immortality:  An integral part of Cohlebecoming a pseudo- lich is creating a one hour ritual conducted within 24 hours of his death that removes his heart. As a rule, the only way to get rid of him for sure is to destroy his heart. Unless his heart is located and destroyed, he reappears 1d10 days after his apparent death.

The ritual costs 120,000 gp and 4,800 XP to create and requires a caster level equal to that of its recipient at the time of creation. The removed heart is Diminutive and has 40 hit points, hardness 20, and a break DC of 40. Additionally, to maintain his body, Cohle must receive injections of an alchemical formula once every 10 days, or he suffers from a cumulative -1 penalty to all attack rolls, weapon damage rolls, saving throws, skill checks, and ability checks for each day that he goes without the formula.  If the penalty reaches -15 or greater, Cohle falls unconscious until he receives a dose.  He awakens with 1 Hit Die, and gains another Hit Die each day he receives a dose until he is back to full hit dice.

Immunities: Cohle is immune to Acid and Cold damage, polymorph, and mind-affectigng effects.

Trapfinding (Ex): Cohle can use the Search skill to locate traps when the task has a Difficulty Class higher than 20.

Finding a nonmagical trap has a DC of at least 20, or higher if it is well hidden. Finding a magic trap has a DC of 25 + the level of the spell used to create it.

Cohle can use the Disable Device skill to disarm magic traps. A magic trap generally has a DC of 25 + the level of the spell used to create it.

If Cohle beats a trap’s DC by 10 or more with a Disable Device check, he can study a trap, figure out how it works, and bypass it (with his allies) without disarming it.

Evasion (Ex): If Cohle makes a successful Reflex saving throw against an attack that normally deals half damage on a successful save, he instead takes no damage. Evasion can be used only if Cohle is wearing light armor or no armor. A helpless Cohle does not gain the benefit of evasion.

Trap Sense (Ex): Cohle has an intuitive sense that alerts him to danger from traps, giving him a +6 bonus on Reflex saves made to avoid traps and a +6 dodge bonus to AC against attacks made by traps.

Uncanny Dodge (Ex): Cohle retains his Dexterity bonus to AC even if he is caught flat-footed or struck by an invisible attacker. However, he still loses his Dexterity bonus to AC if immobilized.

Improved Uncanny Dodge (Ex):  Cohle can no longer be flanked.  This defense denies another rogue the ability to sneak attack Cohle by flanking him, unless the attacker has at least four more rogue levels than Cohle has hit dice.

Defensive Roll (Ex): Cohle can roll with a potentially lethal blow to take less damage from it than he otherwise would. Three times per day, when he would be reduced to 0 or fewer hit points by damage in combat (from a weapon or other blow, not a spell or special ability), Cohle can attempt to roll with the damage. To use this ability, Cohle must attempt a Reflex saving throw (DC = damage dealt). If the save succeeds, he takes only half damage from the blow; if it fails, she takes full damage. He must be aware of the attack and able to react to it in order to execute his defensive roll—if he is denied her Dexterity bonus to AC, he can’t use this ability. Since this effect would not normally allow a character to make a Reflex save for half damage, Cohle’s evasion ability does not apply to the defensive roll.

Opportunist (Ex): Once per round, Cohle can make an attack of opportunity against an opponent who has just been struck for damage in melee by another character. This attack counts as the Cohle’s attack of opportunity for that round.  Cohle can use the opportunist ability as many times per round as he can make attacks of opportunity, but no more than once per creature per round. Each use of the opportunist ability counts as an attack of opportunity.

Improved Evasion (Ex): This ability works like evasion, except that while Cohle still takes no damage on a successful Reflex saving throw against attacks henceforth he takes only half damage on a failed save. A helpless Cohle does not gain the benefit of improved evasion.

Slippery Mind (Ex): If Cohle is affected by an enchantment spell or effect and fails his saving throw, he can attempt it again 1 round later at the same DC, with a +2 Competence Bonus. He gets only this one extra chance to succeed on his saving throw.

True Seeing (Su):  Cohle has a continuous true seeing ability, as the spell (caster level 20th).

Combat: Cohle prefers to use the criminal empire he has founded to attack opponents with.  Most of them will never realize Cohle exists, let alone that he's their true enemy.  Opponents who meet him have been successful beyond anyone's expectations, to the point he has decided to deal with them personally.  Even then Cohle will attack from ambush, with plenty of hirelings, or use some other methods of 'evening the odds' against his target.  If all else fails, he teleports out.

Equipment: +5 Keen, Speed, Ghost Touch Short Sword
+5 Arrow Deflection, Ghost Touch Leather Armor
+5 Ring of Protection
Ring of Regeneration
+5 Distance, Ghost Touch, Keen, Seeking, Thundering Hand Crossbow
Boots of the Winterlands
+4 Amulet of Mighty Fists
Belt of Giant Strength +4
2 Scrolls of Greater Teleport
240 GP
Most of this is figured into the statblock





Ring of Humankind
 Price (Item Level):2000 GP
 Body Slot: Ring
 Caster Level: 1st
 Aura: Faint; (DC:16) Illusion
 Activation: -
 Weight: -

This appears to be a dull ring made of some cheap metal. Any small or medium creature wearing one appears to be a human being (Small creatures appear to be human children). This is a Glamer affecting all 5 senses. When worn by a human, however... they appear to be another random human. An odd freaky human. Like someone with writhing animate hair. Or with scabs covering their entire body. All charisma based skills except intimidation are at -4. Intimidate skill checks get a +4 Circumstance bonus.

Prerequisites: Forge Ring, Disguise Self
Cost to Create: 1000 GP, 1 day, 80 XP


Ring of Humankind
Wondrous item, rare (requires attunement)

This appears to be a dull ring made of some cheap metal. Any small or medium creature wearing one appears to be a human being (Small creatures appear to be human children). This is an illusion affecting all 5 senses.

Curse. This item is cursed. Attuning to it curses you until you are targeted by a remove curse spell or similar magic. As long as you remain cursed, you cannot discard the ring, which immediately teleports back onto your hand. When worn by a human, they appear to be another random human. An oddly repulsive human.  All charisma based skill checks except intimidation have Disadvantage.


Cohle
"Well, here we are.  The not so secret lair.  How do you want  to do this?"

Wasn't Always A Bad Guy
"Might as well just walk on in."

"You can't knock?  How very rude of you gentlemen."

"Who are you?"

"And who owns this factory of death?"

"I'm the owner.  Call me Cohle, it's as meaningless as any other name you could use.  I guess you two don't know how much trouble you're in."

"We're always in trouble."

"It's our signature move really.  That and stopping bad men"

""The world needs bad men. We keep the other bad men from the door.""


Sugar.  Our Old Enemy.

"I don't suppose you'd like to tell us about the undead your factories create?"

"Or the true purpose of them.  We know the zombies are a side effect."

*Sure, sure.  But first, who might you be?*

"I'm Harlan Jurgsns, and this is  my assistant Jim."

"Thanks."

BAMF!

"Well crap.  I guess we at least blow the place up then?"

Water Dragon
                      Huge Dragon (Amphibious, Aquatic)
Hit Dice:             12d12+60 (138 hp)
Initiative:           +0
Speed:                20 ft. (4 squares), Swim 50 ft.
Armor Class:          20 (-2 Size, +12 Natural), touch 8, flat-footed 20
Base Attack/Grapple:  +12/+28
Attack:               Bite +18 melee (4d6+12 plus poison)
Full Attack:          Bite +18 melee (4d6+12 plus poison)
Space/Reach:          15 ft./10 ft. (15 ft. w/Bite)
Special Attacks:      Poison
Special Qualities:    Darkvision 60 ft., Low-light Vision, Scent, Immunity to Sleep and Paralysis, Cold Resistance 10
Saves:                Fort +15, Ref +8, Will +9
Abilities:            Str 27, Dex 10, Con 21, Int 8, Wis 13, Cha 15
Skills:               Intimidate +12, Knowledge (Geography, History, Local, Nature) +5, Listen +9, Search +8, Sense Motive +9, Spot +9, Survival +9, Swim +16
Feats:                Blind-Fight, Cleave, Great Fortitude, Power Attack, Snatch
Environment:          Temperate or Cold Aquatic
Organization:         Solitary
Challenge Rating:     9
Treasure:             Triple Standard
Alignment:            Usually Neutral or Neutral Evil
Advancement:          13-24 HD (Huge); 25-36 HD (Gargantuan)
Level Adjustment:     ---

Water Dragons usually infest lakes, rivers and seas.  Highly territorial, they will attack anything of Medium to Huge Size immediately.  Bigger creatures will be observed until their relative strength can be determined.  The dragon will then fight or flee.  They are infamous for attacking shipping in the Great White North, especially fishing boats.  While they understand Draconic, they do not speak.  Appearance varies wildly.  Some have fins, crests, humps, beards, manes or any of a dozen other features, otherwise resembling a traditional sea serpent.

Poison (Ex): Injury, DC 21 Fortitude (Save DC is Con based), Initial and Secondary damage is either 1d6 Str, Dex or Con (choose one, their venom is as variable as they are).

Combat: Water Dragons will envenom foes that are perceived as tough, but rarely bother injecting poison into humanoids unless they prove stubborn.



Water Dragon
"Now while yer travelin' to the not so secret lair, avoid bodies of water.  We got a lotta lake and river monsters."

Subect To Cutesy Nicknames
"What kind of monsters?"

"Water Dragons for the most part.  Elasmosaurus stagnalis."

"Great.  Notoriously difficult to bribe."

"And territorial as hell."

"And always hungry.  Y'all forgot hungry."

"So how do you deal with them"

"And what would you suggest?"

"Magical booties!  It's what we shave these beavers fer.  So's we can knit socks of rage!"


Highly Variable

"Socks...of rage..."

"Does that really help?"

*Well...it makes the dyin' a little less one sided...*

"Jebus wept..."

"Plus they keep yer feet warm, and theys really comfortable!"

"Dare we ask if there's anything else out there?"

Barbarian Booties
 Price (Item Level): 1400 GP
 Body Slot: Feet
 Caster Level: 7th
 Aura: Moderate; (DC:19) Enchantment
 Activation: -
 Weight: 1 lb.

These pink, fuzzy, knit socks are warm and very comfortable. They can be worn without having to wear boots as they negate the effects of hard travel on the feet (i.e. they don't ache after a days bootless travel). They also let anyone wearing them Rage once per day, as a 1st level Barbarian. If worn by Barbarian's or someone else who has Rage however, they cause him to Frenzy instead. If worn by someone capable of Frenzy, that person gets an extra +4 Strength while Frenzied, and the Save DC to snap out of it is 5 higher.  So don't piss off those strange people you see wearing fuzzy socks.

Prerequisites: Craft Wondrous Item, Bestow Curse, Rage
Cost to Create: 700 GP, 1 day, 56 XP


Barbarian Booties
Wondrous item, rare (requires attunement)

These pink, fuzzy, knit socks are warm and very comfortable. They can be worn without having to wear boots as they negate the effects of hard travel on the feet (i.e. they don't ache after a days bootless travel). They also let anyone wearing them Rage twice per day, with the same abilities as a 1st level Barbarian.

Curse. This item is cursed. Attuning to it curses you until you are targeted by a remove curse spell or similar magic. As long as you remain cursed, you cannot discard the booties, which immediately teleports back onto your feet. If worn by Barbarian's or someone else who has Rage, they do an additional die of damage with each attack when the wearer is Raging, but he gains one Level of Exhaustion when the Rage is over.

sense motive plz

Loon
                      Tiny Magical Beast
Hit Dice:             1d10+1 (6 hp)
Initiative:           -1
Speed:                10 ft. (2 squares), Fly 40 ft. (Average), Swim 10 ft.
Armor Class:          12 (+2 Size, -1 Dex, +1 Natural), touch 11, flat-footed 12
Base Attack/Grapple:  +1/-9
Attack:               Beak +2 melee (1d3-2)
Full Attack:          Beak +2 melee (1d3-2)
Space/Reach:          2 1/2 ft./0 ft.
Special Attacks:      Crazy Bird
Special Qualities:    Darkvision 60 ft., Float, Hold Breath, Power Dive, Whacky
Saves:                Fort +3, Ref +1, Will +2
Abilities:            Str 6, Dex 8, Con 12, Int 6, Wis 14, Cha 14
Skills:               Hide +7 (+17 under water), Listen +3, Spot +3, Swim +8
Feats:                Ability Focus (Whacky), Weapon Finesse (B)
Environment:          Cold or temperate aquatic
Organization:         Solitary, Pair or Flock (10-100)
Challenge Rating:     1/2
Treasure:             None
Alignment:            Chaotic Neutral
Advancement:          2 HD (Small)
Level Adjustment:     ---

Loons are weird little waterfowl that resemble the common loon.  Physically.  Mentally they display the intellect of a young child, and can mimic phrases they overhear.  The bad or incomprehensible phrases being the ones they usually remember.  They like to scream said phrases into the void, without context.  Surprisingly quick when they need to be, they tend to lapse into brief moments of frothing madness when attacked, simultaneously hitting everything near them with their armor piercing beak.

Crazy Bird (Su): As a Full Round Action, the Loon does 1d3 piercing damage to every creature within 10 feet of it.

Float (Ex): Loons can float on the surface of water without making Swim Checks.

Hold Breath (Ex): A Loon can hold its breath for a number of rounds equal to 4 × its Constitution score before it risks drowning.

Power Dive (Ex): When Flying, the Loon may charge straight do onto land or into water.  This is a melee touch attack with it's beak done during a Charge.  If it succeeds, the Loon does 2d3-2 damage.

Whacky (Ex): Loons are immune to mind-affecting effects.  Charisma based skill attempts against them (or by them) take a -4 Circumstance Penalty.  The Loons odd behavior, and shouted non-sequiturs, make those around it nervous.  Anything able to see or hear the Loon must make a DC 14 Willpower Save (Save DC is cha based) or be Shaken for 1 Minute.

Skills: A Loon has a +8 racial bonus on any Swim check to perform some special action or avoid a hazard. It can always choose to take 10 on a Swim check, even if distracted or endangered. It can use the run action while swimming, provided it swims in a straight line. *A Loon can lie in the water with only its eyes showing, gaining a +10 cover bonus on Hide checks.

Combat: Loons tend to go nuts, start screaming gibberish, and pecking like mad at everything in range.




Loon
"Ladies and gentleman, this is Harlan Jurgens, along with my assistant Jim.  Today we're looking at the not so common Loon!"

Surprisingly Active In Cold Weather
"Also known as Gavia insana!"

"They are wll known for their abilities to sprout random sayings, and today we will attempt to communicate with them.  Jim, you're up!."

"Greetings, sir bird.  Do you understand common?"

"BEHOLD!  'TIS A GOBLIN!"

"And we're off to a great start..."

"I am not a goblin, sir."

"PUSHY WOMEN LIKE TO MAKE COOING NOISES!"


Bounces When It Falls

"Okay, try using Speak With Animals II.  It works on magical beasties as well."

"Can you understand me now sir?"

*screams*

"Okay, I think it's repeating gibberish it's heard."

"KISS ME, I'M DROWISH!"

"Well, we tried at least."

Wrong Whale
                      Gargantuan Magical Beast
Hit Dice:             20d10+140 (250 hp)
Initiative:           +1
Speed:                Swim 50 ft. (10 squares)
Armor Class:          20 (-4 Size, +1 Dex, +13 Natural), touch 7, flat-footed 19
Base Attack/Grapple:  +20/+45
Attack:               Tail Slap +29 melee (3d6+19)
Full Attack:          Tail Slap +29 melee (3d6+19)
Space/Reach:          20 ft./15 ft.
Special Attacks:      Ram, Capsize, Spell-Like Abilities
Special Qualities:    Darkvision 120 ft., Blindsight 120 ft. Hold Breath
Saves:                Fort +19, Ref +13, Will +9
Abilities:            Str 36, Dex 13, Con 24, Int 14, Wis 16, Cha 16
Skills:               Knowledge (Geography, Nature) +22, Listen +25, Spot +25, Survival +15, Swim +21
Feats:                Alertness, Blind-Fight, Cleave, Diehard, Endurance, Great Cleave, Power Attack
Environment:          Temperate or cold aquatic
Organization:         Solitary, Pair or Pod (5-30)
Challenge Rating:     11
Treasure:             None
Alignment:            Neutral Evil
Advancement:          21-32 HD (Gargantuan); 33-60 HD (Colossal)
Level Adjustment:     ---

Whalers originally called Right Whales by the name because, for a variety of reasons, they were the 'right' whale to hunt.  At some point it's assumed a feistier than usual Druid modified a few of them.  Wrong Whales only differ from Right Whales in that they are slightly larger, solid black, and usually quite scarred from their many battles.  They are dedicated to ending whaling, but some of them moonlight as destroyers of fishermen and sailors too.  Someone has also clearly taught them weather magic, making them far more dangerous than the average whale.

Ram (Ex): As a Full Round Action, the whale can make a Charge attack, potentially hitting multiple targets.  The first target hit takes 3d8+19 damage, and the whale immediately gets a Bull Rush attempt as a Free Action, without provoking an attack of opportunity.  If this succeeds, the target is also pushed to the left or right of the whale, allowing the whale to continue moving if it still has movement left.  As long as it has movement left, and potential targets keep failing the opposed Bull Rush check, it can keep trying to plow through targets.

Capsize (Ex): A submerged whale that surfaces under a boat or ship less than 25 feet long capsizes the vessel 95% of the time. It has a 50% chance to capsize a vessel from 25 to 70 feet long and a 20% chance to capsize one over 70 feet long.

Spell-Like Abilities (Sp): 1/day: Call Lightning Storm, Control Weather, Fog Cloud, Sleet Storm  Caster Level 9th.

Blindsight (Ex): Whales can "see" by emitting high-frequency sounds, inaudible to most other creatures, that allow them to locate objects and creatures within 120 feet. A silence spell negates this and forces the whale to rely on its vision, which is approximately as good as a human’s.  As a Swift Action, once per turn it  can change the area of it's Blindsight to a 240 ft. cone or a 720 ft. by 10 ft. Line.  This change lasts until the end of the round.

Hold Breath  (Ex): A whale can hold its breath for a number of rounds equal to 8 × its Constitution score before it risks drowning.

Skills: A whale has a +8 racial bonus on any Swim check to perform some special action or avoid a hazard. It can always choose to take 10 on a Swim check, even if distracted or endangered. It can use the run action while swimming, provided it swims in a straight line. *A whale has a +4 racial bonus on Spot and Listen checks. These bonuses are lost if its blindsight is negated.

Combat: Wrong Whales use their spells as a distraction before ramming the ship.  Then they pick off the sailors one by one.




Wrong Whale
"Ladies and gentleman, this is Harlan Jurgens, along with my assistant Jim. Today we take a look at the Right Whale."

Definitely The Wrong Whales To Mess With
"Also known as Cacobalaena glacialis!"

"So called because whalers consider them the best for hunting, hence the 'Right' whale."

"Um... Harlan, we have a problem.  That whale is a little too big, and is headed straight for the boat."

"Perhaps he's curious?"

"Oh crap! That's not a Right Whale, that's Eubalaena malum!"


Competent Weather Mages And Political Activists

"That explains the sudden oncoming storm..."

"Looks like we have to go folks!  Be right back!"

"Do you think it's sent on purpose, or just doing it's usual activities?"

"I don't think we'll get the chance to ask it."

The appointed time arrives, and the streets are clear well before hand.  It's as if people know something is up.  The city government sends 24 men, clearly armed.  The women laugh.

"I am Professor James Cannon, I represent the city.  To whom am I speaking?"


"A simple guard.  You're appoiintment awaits you inside."

Old Drakov
                      Huge Monstrous Humanoid (Amphibious, Aquatic)
Hit Dice:             17d8+102 (178 hp)
Initiative:           +5
Speed:                30 ft. (6 squares), Swim 60 ft.
Armor Class:          21 (-2 Size, +1 Dex, +12 Natural), touch 9, flat-footed 20
Base Attack/Grapple:  +17/+37
Attack:               1 Bite +28 melee (2d6+12) or +1 Longspear +28 melee (3d6+19/x3)
Full Attack:          1 Bite +28 melee (2d6+12) and 2 Slams +23 melee (1d6+13) or +1 Longspear +28/+23/+18/+13 melee (3d6+19/x3)
Space/Reach:          15 ft./15 ft.
Special Attacks:      Improved Grab, Swallow Whole, Spell-Like Abilities, Summon Sharknado
Special Qualities:    Darkvision 60 ft., Keen  Scent, Blindsense 30 ft., SR 25, DR 10/Magic, Energy Resistance 10 (cold, electricity, fire)
Saves:                Fort +13, Ref +11, Will +16
Abilities:            Str 35, Dex 13, Con 23, Int 14, Wis 18, Cha 18
Skills:               Climb +12, Concentration +16, Diplomacy +14, Intimidate +14, Knowledge (Arcana, Local, Nature, the Planes) +12, Listen +8, Sense Motive +6, Spellcraft +6, Spot +8, Swim +20
Feats:                Alertness, Great Fortitude, Improved Initiative, Iron Will. Power Attack, Weapon Focus (Bite)
Environment:          Florida
Organization:         Unique
Challenge Rating:     14
Treasure:             Standard
Alignment:            Neutral Evil
Advancement:          By character class
Level Adjustment:     ---

Old Drakov began life as a merely oversized Hammerhead Shark that became a terror of the fishing trawlers in Florida.  Scars from the fishermen's spears on his head greatly resembled the symbol of a violent ruler from the land they lived in before being placed in the Jesters Realm, and they began calling him 'Old Drakov' after that ruler.  Many anti shark purges were conducted to remove them from the fishing areas, resulting in Druidic intervention.  In addition to blowing up most of the fleets, they Awakened the sharks to give them enough guile to avoid traps.  Old Drakov may have been a mistake.  After years of attempts on his life, he was bitter.  Events were to soon twist him further.  Firstly, he learned of what the fishers referred to him as, and was grievously insulted that they would name him after a monstrous dictator.  Secondly, the fishers eventually killed what was (unknown to them) his wife and sons.  He claims he promised his soul to a 'God of Evil', though the most likely suspects do not claim him.

He was remade in body and soul, and gained a palantir, which allowed him to scry with the aid of a fellow shark who was a Wizard.  While planning his revenge, he encountered a palantir show popular with Florida locals called "Shark Week".  Shark Week was a week long series of programs dedicated to the dangers of sharks, and obvious anti-shark propaganda.  Particularly galling was a palantir film called "Sharknado", about a tornado filled with sharks.  Old Drakov smiled, for he knew he had found the method by which he would gain revenge.  It took the aid of many of his brothers, but he eventually learned to create and summon a real Sharknado.  And now Florida will pay! MWUHAHAHA!!

Improved Grab (Ex): To use this ability, Old Drakov must hit with its bite attack. It can then attempt to start a grapple as a free action without provoking an attack of opportunity. If it wins the grapple check, it establishes a hold and can try to swallow the foe in the following round.

Swallow Whole (Ex): Old Drakov can try to swallow a grabbed opponent of up to one size smaller by making a successful grapple check. Once inside, the opponent takes 2d6+12 points of bludgeoning damage plus 1d8+8 points of acid damage per round from Old Drakov’s digestive juices. A swallowed creature can cut its way out using a light slashing or piercing weapon by dealing 25 points of damage to the Old Drakov’s digestive tract (AC 16). Once the creature exits, muscular action closes the hole; another swallowed opponent must cut its own way out.

Old Drakov's gullet can hold 2 Large, 8 Medium or Small, 32 Tiny, 128 Diminutive, or 512 Fine or smaller opponents.

Spell-Like Abilities (Sp): At Will: Chain Lightning, Control Winds, Fog Cloud, Greater Teleport (self plus 50 pounds only), Speak With Animals, Summon Nature's Ally VII, Whirlwind, and Whispering Wind. Caster Level 17th, Save DC's are Charisma based.

Summon Sharknado (Sp): Once per week Old Drakov can summon the Sharknado as a Spell-Like Ability with a casting time of 1 Minute (this is the equivalent of an Epic Level spell).  This has a 20% chance of success, but if he sacrifices living creatures in a ritual beforehand, it increases the chance by 1% for every hit die worth of creatures sacrificed.

Keen  Scent (Ex): Old Drakov can notice creatures by scent in a 180-foot radius and detect blood in the water at ranges of up to a mile.

Combat: If possible, Old Drakov will attempt to summon the Sharknado, before backing it up with his spells.  Otherwise, he relies on his anthropomorphic shark servants, and wades into battle alongside them.




Old Drakov
"Good evening sir, we understand you're the local town council member for this area."

Shark Rights "Activist"
"We have an evil plot to report."

"So...you've found me at last.  Very well!  IT IS TIME I REVEALED MYSELF TO THE WORLD!"

"Well that seems a little too easy..."

"You humanoids have violated nature for the last time!"

"Wait a minute..."

"We thought you were violating nature?"

"Erm...no...wait what exactly are you here for?"

"Some one is dumping waste in the swamps north of here.  That isn't you?"


Local Urban Legend

"Well no.  No, I have an entirely different evil scheme."

"Really?"

"Yes, I plan on unleashing a Sharknado as revenge for the Shark Week psy-op you humanoids perpetrate every year."

"That sounds like a bad palantir play."

"What is a Sharknado?"

"So glad you asked!".


Man Fishin' Spear
 Price (Item Level): 18,305 GP
 Body Slot: - (Carried)
 Caster Level: 12th
 Aura: Strong; (DC:21) Evocation
 Activation: - (Use Activated)
 Weight: 8 lbs.

This appears to be a normal +1 Longspear, but when used against Humanoids it becomes a +3 Weapon and threatens a critical on a 19-20.  Obviously designed my a nonhuman Mage...

Prerequisites: Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Foebane (see Spell Compendium)
Cost to Create: 9153 GP, 10 days, 366 XP



Man Fishin' Spear
Weapon (spear), very rare (requires attunement)
You gain a +1 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon.  This bonus increases to +3 against Humanoids, and also scores a critical on a 19-20 against Humanoids.


Longspear
This is identical to the Spear, except it weighs 5 lbs., and costs 5 gp.  It also has the Reach and Two Handed properties.  It loses the Versatile property, and damage increases to 1d8.