I'm starting to really hate geek culture.
Like, venomously, vitriolically, vehemently hate it.
If I had to say why, I'd point to the levels of groupthink, the elitism, the isolationism, the irony and referentialism bullshit, the sheer weight of it, the "oh ho those plebs outside our bounds", the entitlement, the twee nature of it all...
I don't hate geeks, though I'm finding them increasingly hard to deal with in person (yes haha funny that thing we both saw years ago was funny be original for once in your life and stop repeating memes and buzzwords)...
And to be perfectly blunt, one of the reasons I'm posting this is because one of my friends tried offhandedly to crush my enthusiasm for something. Now, in his mind he was right to do so... but it was something I was working on.
And I work on things to stay sane. I tweak things and break things and try things because it satisfies me, not because I want to do the same tired things that all the people are doing. You know, finding the Internet had places to talk with people who like the stuff I do has nearly killed all enthusiasm for those things several times.
Take D&D; it's gone from that wonderful exciting thing where a Mr. G. Gygax told me that I could make something beautiful and where there was magic in every page and lovingly full table to a rotten hunk of stuff to fight over. It's like that for everything; what should be a haven against a harsh and hateful world ends up just being part of that same harsh and hateful world.
Tintin was racist, your first Star Wars was one of the prequels and so it was obviously terrible, Shinji was a coward, Redwall was furry, ugh I can't believe you like that what's WRONG WITH YOU?
Fuck it.
Fuck you.
It's what I've been hearing my whole life. I was a dreamer as a kid, and my mother thought it was important to remind me that the things I liked weren't real. I didn't have anyone to share my favourite books with; I was never the kind of person who was good at making friends or who had good judgement about who to be friends with.
I went to school where I didn't speak the language; I still don't have the language to explain the things I really want to tell people. I have to wrap everything I say in sarcasm and innuendo and references because that's the only way people understand the words coming out of my mouth.
I fight all day long with procrastination and doubt; I've slowly cut out my ability to show that I truly care or want something because every time I show that I care the world rubs my nose in it and tells me that I'm wrong. I've cut out my ability to laugh and smile and rage with people because empathy hurts and people hate you for it.
I just want to be left alone to make something and dream; even though my dreams are sad and painful now, they're still mine. I'd like it if the world would stop trying to take them away from me, or turn them to shit.
Thank you.