"All I fucking want to do is see this goddamn world I've heard so much about and all this piece of shit game can do is smacking me in the face with a wet rolled up newspaper and scream NO."
Which is exactly why the game, for me, is so good.
After you get Bombs/Magnesis/Stasis/Cryonis, finishing the three mandated shrines and getting the Paraglider, you're home free. Unlike previous Zelda games where areas were completely locked off because you don't have the Slingshot/Bow/Grappling Hook/Ball & Chain/Whatever, BoTW gives you every tool you need to beat the game in, literally, the tutorial area.
Once you finish the Great Plateau, you have the paraglider, bombs, magnesis and stasis. You don't need anything else to explore, or even BEAT, the entire game.
"Every mechanic in it is designed to prevent and slow your ability to actually explore the area. Even the freaking horses will randomly change directions forcing you to maintain constant vigilance on tapping the "what is sounds like to have sex with a horse" button because heaven forbid you point it to civilization and you get up to grab a drink, you need to see the landscape you can't explore so Nintendo can tease you."
Not really. Horses will randomly change directions
if they don't trust you yet, once you get max bond with your horse there's no need to keep spamming the soothe button and they will happily obey your commands. There's also horse personalities, Wild horses tend to be faster and have more carrots for sprinting, but they like to buck you off and go their own way. On the other hand, horses who are calmer are more quicker to be trusting, but tend to be slower and have less carrots.
Barring stuff that's on the edge of the map, almost 100% of what you can see in the distance you're able to explore. Even if you don't want to keep doing shrines to increase your stamina to get better at climbing, you eventually come across gear that makes climbing easier, and you can farm for materials to make stamina replenishing and boosting gear. Meaning no matter how tall a mountain is, you can climb it.
Oh, it's raining, you can't climb it? Grab some bundles of wood, flint, make a fire, sit for a couple hours to wait the rain out.
Is it a thunder storm outside? Unequip all metal gear, lightning won't hit you. If you see sparks coming out of Link's body, it means he's about to get hit by lightning. Unequip or throw your metal items. For funsies, try throwing them: you CAN get lightning to strike a specific point by manipulating the game like this.
Is it too tall/hard to climb? Get any rock/chest and attach Octo Ballons to it, float to a sufficient height and paraglide some or all of the way there.
Don't want to farm Octo Ballons? Set fire to grass and ride the updraft.
Everything i'm mentioning here is available right after the tutorial area. Right after the Great Plateau. The game does not limit you in any way, except gear-wise. If you go out and explore, very quickly you will come across extremely powerful gear that will enable you to make short work of any foe you encounter.
Even the Guardians, there are ways you can deal with them pretty easily from the get go: just parry their lasers with your shield. The immobile guardians get insta-killed, and the mobile ones take 3 parries to die.
Hell, WITHOUT using glitches, there are already speedruns of this game that are in the 47 minute mark.
WITHOUT glitches - meaning all they use are game mechanics.
I suspect you have not reached this point in the game, but, eventually, there's a place in the game you can go that is called Eventide Island. This island hosts a trial that EXEMPLIFIES the game's philosophy and the point i'm trying to make here.
By the point you reach Eventide Island, you're probably WAY better geared than you are at the beggining of the game. You got some good cool armor, some powerful weapons, a buttload of monster parts and a lot of food to replenish health. Life is good.
So you reach the island, and as soon as you step in the shore, a voice tells you there's a challenge for you, and that if you accept you will gain a reward.
Then they strip you naked, take all of your equipment, all of your gear, and tells you to take 3 balls and put them on three switches.
You are butt naked, there are several enemies, some pretty high leveled ones, and a boss-type enemy called a Hinox.
You're FORCED to get creative. By using Magnesis/Stasis/Cryonis and your trusty bombs, you're supposed to overcome the challenge. Be it via strength, creativity, intellect, stealth, or any other means, you go and complete the challenge.
And then get your reward, which is a shrine and some loot.
So yeah, i disagree with your criticism. Everything can be explored and the only roadblock is in actually learning all of the mechanics, there is absolutely nothing holding you back from going anywhere you please like in other games, in that, Zelda is perhaps the only game that truly took "Open World" to it's fullest.