My not-quite-but-maybe alcoholism is more behavioral than anything insofar as i can reasonably assume. It kind of snowballed from last year up until new, in a bit of a crescendo, culminating on my birthday party on sunday.
If i had to describe what my drinking habit has been so far, it's like, when i begin, i don't have an "off" switch anymore. I can hold off on beggining to drink, but if i do begin to drink, i want to keep drinking until either money runs out, booze runs out, i get too tired, or everyone else decides they had enough and i get bored and go home/sleep.
Before, when i drank too much, i puked my brains out and went to sleep. I don't seem to puke after drinking too much anymore. I just get more and more drunk, more and more erratic, until such a point as where i'm too tired and collapse on bed.
Sunday, i got a bit scared over how much i drank. Half a liter of run, a liter of vodka, over 20 cans of beer, plus even more beer and rum once my mom kicked us out of the house and told us to continue the party somewhere else. This was in the span of a little over 6~7 hours of partying. I had to look after my not-quite-GF-but-almost because she tried to keep up. I woke up in the afternoon, i was still drunk. I took her home in the evening, and i was still drunk. I only felt sober at about 22 on monday. Felt like shit whole monday, tuesday, and wednesday what i did was go to a party for a friend that's moving out of state and, unsurprisingly, only came home thursday 8:30 P.M, out partying the whole night, shitfaced.
So, it's less drinking-every-single-day and more getting absolutely shitfaced/hammered 3 to 4 times a week, because my organism can't even handle more than that.
My hypothesis is that if i stop drinking entirely for long enough, my body will lose its massive tolerance to alcohol, and i'll be unable to drink like this, even if i want to, until i build enough tolerance again (which i plan not to). I'll be getting my son in a few hours, and he'll stay with me for a whole month, so hopefully, that'll be enough of an incentive for me to call it quits for a while.
Things i've read online seem to oscillate between classifying my kind of drinking as a type of substance abuse and full-blown alcoholism, lines seem a bit blurry there. It probably has to do with the fact i've been feeling a bit depressed lately... A bit might be an understatement.
Curiously enough, nobody in my family insofar as i know has had any sort of major issue with alcohol, leading credence to my thinking that what i'm feeling is just behavioral. Probably due to the fact that for the past year i have had zero routine or order in my life whatsoever. In desperate need of healthy hobbies and a job, or grad school. I should've started grad school back in August but had a bit of a falling out with my parents which lead to me losing the deadline for enrolling, and that combined with the rollercoaster relationship with the blonde succubus i was dating back then put that on hold.
Sigh... Life's a bit of a mess, i'm afraid. Thankfully, girl i'm seeing has so far shown to be stable, but TBH i'm so scared of commitment i can't seem to feel a thing for her other than close friendship. Heart is a completely blackened out void. We currently are just seeing eachother - nothing formal, commitment isn't expected on either party. Outwardly, at least, she doesn't seem jealous of me at all, but i sense she desperately wants me to commit, but is willing to wait until i come to her and ask her that, due to some past history we had (we were BF/GF for a whole 3 weeks before i dumped her for, you guessed it, blonde succubus).
She's the sweetest little thing ever, caring, nurturing, kind, level-headed. Everyone and their mother is telling me i should commit and lock that down before i lose her, especially my closest friends. Even my mom, who generally doesn't really take after my prospects, is telling me i should really consider settling down with her. That's how sweet she is.
And yet, no dice, i can't really love her. Like a reverse-scenario of what happened between me and blonde succubus. Life's fucking ironic, that's what it is.
wow, that turned into a long rant...