Yeah i'm alive... I ended up doing almost 40mg, i blacked out and i was conscious for about 40 minutes - barely - sending all sorts of messed up messages to my girlfriend and friends. Apparently i was seeing spiders on the floor and crawling up on me. Seems fun...
In fact, i don't even remember posting this.
I'm actually glad i don't remember, from what everyone seems to say on the interwebz, hypnotics don't give out some of the best trips, they're almost always nightmarish and fucked up in nature.
Anyway... I ended up patching things up with girlfriend... I am currently seeing a therapist, but i'm still not really 100%. I am taking meds as well. They don't help as much as they should... I'm not doing drugs all the time, but i'm doing them often enough that it seems to be becoming a bit of an issue, sometimes...
From my end of things
What it seems like is... Everything i do ends up being sabotaged by something i have absolutely no control over. It's like i can't be happy, because there's this constant stream of shit being shot at random and at high velocities in my path, and i have to keep dodging all the shit but invariably some of the shit will hit me, and sometimes it's just so much shit that i can't seem to be able to see anything but shit in my path.
Having a girlfriend and being in good terms with her is something that helps a lot... But i feel like i'm leaning way too much into this relationship. I keep having this recurring thought that if it doesn't work now then it won't work ever, with anyone, and that's way too much to take on.
I just feel so fucked up right now...