Author Topic: Truly messed up stuff  (Read 3592 times)

Offline bhu

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Truly messed up stuff
« on: September 08, 2016, 01:38:19 AM »
So how many of y'all watch PBS cooking shows?  Specifically Cook's Country and America's Test Kitchen.  They're hosted by a dapper old bowtied fellow from vermont named Christopher Kimball.   Seems like a nice, laid back sort of guy. 

But then I read his letters.  See everytime Cook's Illustrated comes out he pens a folksy letter to go with it, and a website called the Toast has archived them.  They start slightly ominous and descend quickly into creepy pasta as time goes on.  A few brief samples:

'You ever wonder what’s watching you from underneath the dirt while you’re plowing a field? Something is. Something surely is. Nothing blinks in the dirt.

It’s my understanding that trees are just the gnarled hands of witches that have been buried face-up in the earth. But it’s the ones that have been buried face-down that you have to look out for.'



'Sure, searing a piece of meat seals in the juices. But it seals in a lot of other things, too. Things you wouldn’t want to get out, things you wouldn’t want to see the light of day, if you came to know them.

Ask yourself in the coming New Year if you’re really scrambling your eggs slowly enough. Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I wonder if you are. Turn that flame down. This isn’t a race.

You can fit a lot more than a Dutchman in a Dutch oven. No guarantee you can keep him in there, of course.'



'Folks used to have common sense. They didn’t plant their potatoes too close together, lest they develop strange habits not native to root vegetables, and learn to speak to one another when their stalks swayed in the night winds. They never burned an old rabbit dog before the daffodils came in. They parked their cars facing toward home when they went in the Old Forest, so they didn’t offend anything that still moved in there when human eyes weren’t looking. They never killed a cow twice and they never made hay without spilling blood on the threshold, and they never spilled blood on the threshold without nailing the house-spirits into the wall behind the chimney. They kept their shoes in the walls and their virgin bones buried in the foundations. They never opened a bottle unless they were willing to make a deal with the witch who lived inside. They kept their unguents separate from their elixirs separate from their tonics separate from their balsam physics. It was always spring, then. Always spring after spring after spring after spring, and the people stayed young and happy and their throats never sank into their breasts and their smiles were painted onto their lips and never came off, never never never.

It’s not like that now.

Do you know what comes after spring? Do you know what comes after spring? Do you know what comes after spring?

I don’t. Nobody does. Something different’s coming after spring this year, something that isn’t named summer, something that casts a long shadow and laughs without making a sound.'




'There are ways to hurt a man so that he wishes he didn’t know his own body, and there are ways to hurt a man so that he can’t recognize his own mind, and you have to know both of them if you want to make really fluffy croissants.'


'What can you do with an old assistant-wife after she’s finished? Well, friends, here in Vermont you can trade her to the first stranger you meet at a crossroads for a sack of molasses sugar and a witch-glass. Or you can wall her alive in the orchard; the next year’s crop of apples will be small and bitter, but every year thereafter, they’ll be crisp and fresh and red and white as you could possibly please. She also makes an excellent substitute for buttermilk, if you haven’t any to hand.

Do you know why they call them long johns? I do. I do. But I won’t tell, not for any price. I can’t tell. Only two men under the moon know the promise I made thirteen steps from the graveyard all those years ago to learn it, and neither of us are telling.'

Offline Amechra

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Re: Truly messed up stuff
« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2016, 01:48:30 AM »
This is glorious. I now want to play in an RPG setting themed around his letters.
"There is happiness for those who accept their fate, there is glory for those that defy it."

"Now that everyone's so happy, this is probably a good time to tell you I ate your parents."

Offline phaedrusxy

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Re: Truly messed up stuff
« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2016, 09:15:31 AM »
Holy crap that is awesome!
I don't pee messages into the snow often , but when I do , it's in Cyrillic with Fake Viagra.  Stay frosty my friends.

Offline altpersona

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Re: Truly messed up stuff
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2016, 10:08:47 AM »
these sample had better not be the only good bit, like a movie trailer.

The goal of power is power. - 1984
We are not descended from fearful men. - Murrow
The Final Countdown is now stuck in your head.

Anim-manga still sux.

Offline phaedrusxy

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Re: Truly messed up stuff
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2016, 11:07:55 AM »
This is glorious. I now want to play in an RPG setting themed around his letters.
This reminded me of this game... which I wish had not died. It was so fun. So, so fun, like ripe bones in the morning. Since SirP might be back, maybe we could convince Boz to restart it? Although I haven't seen Pip on for ages, and it likely just wouldn't be the same without Human...
I don't pee messages into the snow often , but when I do , it's in Cyrillic with Fake Viagra.  Stay frosty my friends.

Offline Nanshork

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Re: Truly messed up stuff
« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2016, 12:28:07 PM »
Okay, where on the internet can I find and read these?  I'm lazy and want a link!

Edit: I got motivated and actually looked it up.  The letters are spoofs unfortunately, but still downright awesome!

Offline Chemus

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Re: Truly messed up stuff
« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2016, 01:40:53 PM »
...  The letters are spoofs unfortunately, but still downright awesome!

Pics or it didn't happen! They must be real!
Apathy is ...ah screw it.
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Offline Nanshork

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Re: Truly messed up stuff
« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2016, 04:28:03 PM »
Scroll down to the tags at the bottom.

Also this (which was my first clue, I found it while googling).


However, bhu is right about one thing, this guy is weird.

This website looks legitimate.  Example.

Offline bhu

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Re: Truly messed up stuff
« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2016, 05:03:34 PM »
http://the-toast.net/series/chris-kimball/  archive linky

A pity they're spofs, but I'll be following her from now on.  She has potential.
« Last Edit: September 08, 2016, 05:09:03 PM by bhu »

Offline Nanshork

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Re: Truly messed up stuff
« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2016, 08:20:28 PM »
http://the-toast.net/series/chris-kimball/  archive linky

A pity they're spofs, but I'll be following her from now on.  She has potential.

I 100% agree, it's too bad they aren't legitimate but that doesn't make them any less awesome to read!

Offline bhu

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Re: Truly messed up stuff
« Reply #10 on: September 09, 2016, 01:07:18 AM »
http://the-toast.net/author/mallory-ortberg/  omg some of her other articles are hysterical

Paintings Of The Torture Of Prometheus Where It Actually Looks Like The Eagle Assigned To Tear Out His Liver Is His New Boyfriend

Reasons I Would Make An Excellent Member Of The Wild Hunt And You Should Consider Me For The Position

Bible Verses Where “The Messiah” Has Been Replaced With “King Shit of Fuck Mountain”

Bible Verses Where “Verily” Has Been Replaced With “Fuckin’ A”

Everything What’s Wrong Of Possums: It’s All Of Them

Men Praying Bitchily In Western Art History


Offline Nanshork

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Re: Truly messed up stuff
« Reply #11 on: September 09, 2016, 10:25:15 AM »
bhu, did you see how she turned the Magic School Bus into a horror story?

Offline awaken_D_M_golem

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Re: Truly messed up stuff
« Reply #12 on: September 09, 2016, 01:45:41 PM »
This is glorious. I now want to play in an RPG setting themed around his letters.

 :lmao
This dude is now my fave chef ... except for that Giardia De Laurentiis mynx.

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Or say, an Iron Chef :  IRON CHEF OF THE DAMNED !!
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« Last Edit: September 09, 2016, 01:49:19 PM by awaken_D_M_golem »
Your codpiece is a mimic.

Offline phaedrusxy

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Re: Truly messed up stuff
« Reply #13 on: September 09, 2016, 06:18:16 PM »
Or say, an Iron Chef :  IRON CHEF OF THE DAMNED !!
Alienist + Minor Creation spam = it won't go to your waist, but it will eternally damage your soul.
:lmao
I don't pee messages into the snow often , but when I do , it's in Cyrillic with Fake Viagra.  Stay frosty my friends.