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« on: November 07, 2011, 10:33:45 AM »
Because they're funny. Also, I wanted an excuse to repost the following for a whole new generation.
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Zeke: "HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!"
Josh: "I didn't even know that shade of purple existed!"
Meg: "I've actually seen it before. On a vibrator."
*BOOP!*
Meg: *Intro music* Welcome to the 666th episode of Brilliant Gameologists: Play Like You Have To(R). Today's system episode, being released on [DATE CENSORED BY THE US DEPARTMENT OF PARANORMAL INVESTIGATIONS] is titled "Shout at the D.E.V.I.L."
Josh: Waaaaaow! Waaaaaow! Waaaaaaaaow!
Zeke: Shout! Shout! ...Or actually don't, because if you're at work then you'll get in more trouble than you already are for playing this podcast. And you'll be fired.
Josh: And we'll laugh. And not care.
Meg: Brilliant Gameologists is the extra pep your game needs to have that early-morning, get-up-and-go vim! One dose a day, every day.
Zeke: Warning: This really isn't the kind of thing your kids should be listening to. So close your door, like you would if you were having sex. Which they shouldn't hear either.
Meg: I'm Meg.
Josh: I'm Josh.
Zeke: And I'm Zeke.
Josh: ...the deeeviiil!
BGs: *Snerk*
Meg: So today we have a brand new system for you to judge. I've never heard of this before, but Josh said he liked it and convinced us all to try it.
Josh: I did?
Zeke: Come on, you weren't THAT drunk.
Josh: ...I was drunk?
Zeke: Okay, maybe you were.
Meg: So this system is pretty unique, in that it's a lot more modular than a lot of systems around, because it's designed to let you run your favorite rules as-is with it.
Josh: Now, this is a pretty cool idea, because D.E.V.I.L — yeah, that's what it's called — lets you use all of your favorite sourcebooks with it without any conversion.
Zeke: Anyone who's actually tried to convert a d20 character to Savage Worlds will tell you what that's like.
Meg: So let's talk about the layout. The book is pricey, but it's actually leatherbound — not fake leatherbound, but really really leatherbound.
Zeke: And who doesn't like leather?
Josh: Not Meg, that's for sure.
Meg: *Snerk* So, uhm, the illustrations are nice, too: very... graphic.
Josh: *I* liked them.
Zeke: ...Wait, I thought you said you didn't know this book.
Josh: When did I say that?
Zeke: Just a moment ago.
Josh: You must be mistaken.
Meg: Probably the part I liked best, though, was the fluff text.
Josh: Yeah, World of Darkness this is not. Let me read you some of it, here: "Lo, I, the Chosen Awakener, hereby release the demon contained within this book from its eternal captivity! Arise, Bagdazzul!
Zeke: Wait, I don't see that in-
*Explosion. Lots of noise. Whooshing, rushing air, crackling electricity.*
Zeke: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
Josh: I didn't even know that shade of purple existed!
Meg: I've actually seen it before. On a vibrator.
Bagdazzul: *Deep, echoing, maniacal laughter.* Foolish humans! You were so easy to manipulate into releasing me! Now, I, Bagdazzul, will rend this world asunder!
Josh: Oh shit, guys, I'm sorry! I opened the book and he possessed me! I was captive in my own head... do you know what that feels like?
Meg: ...I know what it feels like to be a captive in my own BED...
Zeke: Quickly, to the forums! Let's see if anyone can help us!
Josh: Wait, look! According to the Gameologists, this much ambient magical energy mean we have a kind of localized reality control!
Zeke: What does that mean?
Meg: It means the monster has to obey our conceptions of reality! If we will it hard enough, we can make it follow whatever rules we want!
Josh: Ugh, I HATE Mage: the Ascension!
Zeke: No, it's different. Reality has to make sense, so we're going to have to develop a system that we can beat it in!
Bagdazzel: Foolish mortals! Your human minds are far too slow to create an entire system in such a short time!
Josh: Wait! We don't have to make a system — we KNOW systems! We have RPGs on our side!
Zeke: All right! All we need to do is find the one we can beat him in!
Meg: Okay, demon! It's time to play... LIKE YOU HAVE TO!
Bagdazzul: What? Arrrrrrrrgh! You humans have changed the rules on me!
Mysteriosu voice: INITIATIVE
ZEKE
JOSH
MEG
BAGDAZZUL
ZEKE — YOU'RE UP!
Bagdazzul: Arrgh! Why can't I move?!
Meg: Not your turn, ugly!
Josh: Yeah, but talking seems to be a free action....
Zeke: Well, let's see what I've got!
Mysterious voice: FULL-ROUND ACTION: FULL ATTACK
dice=1d20x2 2,3
ZEKE MISSES! ZEKE MISSES!
Josh: Full-round action... we're in D&D 3.5!
Meg: No way that'll work! None of us are casters!
Zeke: Okay, everybody. Clear your minds! Don't think of any system until we can find one that'll beat it! *A shimmering sound.*
Mysterious voice: INITIATIVE
MEG
ZEKE
BAGDAZZUL
JOSH
Meg: What the fuck? I wasn't thinking of a system!
Zeke: I wasn't either!
Meg: Josh. Josh, what system were you thinking of?
Josh: I couldn't help it! I was trying to keep my mind clear, but all I could think of was World of Darkness!
Meg: Oh, no.
Zeke: Oh, NO. Old or new, Josh?
Josh: I-
Zeke: OLD OR NEW?!
Josh: New! New! I'm positive!
Meg: Then we still have a chance!
Mysterious voice: MEG FIRES HER GUN, BREASTS HEAVING AS THE ADRENALINE OF COMBAT FLOWS THROUGH HER ENRAG-ED VEINS!
dice=6d10 3,4,6,5,2,3 (BUT WHO REALLY CARES? IT'S NOT LIKE DICE *MATTER.*)
ALAS FOR THE HEROES, AND FOR HUMANITY! MEG MISSES!
Meg: Damn!
Zeke: Uh, Meg? Where did you get a gun?
Meg: Haven't you ever seen the Concealability rules? I can hide ANYTHING between these!
Josh: Just more proof that no one at White Wolf has ever actually seen a girl.
Zeke: Meg, can you try a Seduction check?
Meg: I already used my action!
Josh: Meg, you're a WOMAN. You can just bat your eyes at the Storyteller and you'll get an extra action from "dramatic necessity."
Meg: *Bats her eyes* Hey, it worked!
Mysterious voice: MEG, BREASTS HEAVING, ATTEMPTS TO SEDUCE THE FELL BEAST!
dice=12d10
Josh: 12d10? What's the +2 from?
Zeke: Have you SEEN her bra today?
Josh: No.
Zeke: Exactly.
dice=12d10 3,6,2,4,2,7,5,7,2,4,8,8
MEG, BREASTS HEAVING, IS VERY SEDUCTIVE INDEED! HOWEVER, DUE TO RANDOM STORYTELLER SCREW, THE TRICK DOESN'T WORK!
Meg: Dammit! I hate World of Darkness STs!
Josh: This is what I keep telling you!
Zeke: Focus! We still can't hit him; we need to change systems! Something with a fixed target number and results!
Josh: Uh... I know! Let's go! *A shimmering sound.*
Mysterious voice: INITIATIVE
JOSH
MEG
ZEKE
BAGDAZZUL
Zeke: Josh! Punch him!
Josh: Okay!
Mysterious voice: JOSH THROWS A PUNCH!
dice=1d4-2 1d6 1,1
SNAKE EYES! JOSH TRIPS AND FALLS ON HIS FACE!
Meg: Savage Worlds? REALLY?
Josh: He said fixed target numbers!
Bagdazzul: *Maniacal laughter* YOU HUMANS WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME!
Meg: We'll see about that! I know how to defeat him, guys!
Zeke: How?
Meg: Just trust me! Clear your minds!
Josh: Okay, Meg, but we can't keep forcing him into the lower initiatives forever!
Meg: Don't worry! That won't matter with this system!
Zeke: Okay, here goes! *A shimmering sound.*
Mysterious voice: A NEW ROUND HAS BEGUN! PARTICIPANTS, WRITE YOUR ACTION SCRIPTS!
Zeke: Yes!
Josh: Of course!
Meg: It was so obvious!
BGs: BURNING WHEEL!
Bagdazzul: What? What is this insolence?
Meg: Get ready to EAT FIST, demon!
Mysterious voice: PHASE 1 SCRIPTS RESOLVED!
ZEKE ATTACKS WITH A PUNCH!
MEG ATTACKS WITH A PUNCH!
JOSH ATTACKS WITH A PUNCH!
BAGDAZZUL BLOCKS!
BAGDAZZUL BLOCKS!
BAGDAZZUL BLOCKS!
Bagdazzul: Hahaha! Pitiful humans, how could you ever hope to defeat me? Are your attacks truly so pathetic?
Zeke: Not so fast, Douchebag of the Week! You acted three times in one action! That means you don't have enough juice left to block our actions in the next phase!
Bagdazzul: What?!
Meg: And we saved our most powerful attacks JUST FOR YOU!
Bagdazzul: No! This cannot be!!!
Josh: This is what you get when you mess with Gameologists!
Mysterious voice: ZEKE ATTACKS WITH HIS SPECIAL WEAPON, "THE COOLER OF HATERADE(R)!"
JOSH ATTACKS WITH HIS SPECIAL SKILL, "OBNOXIOUS NEW ENGLAND ACCENT!"
MEG ATTACKS WITH HER SPECIAL TECHNIQUE, "HEAVY BDSM TOPPING WHILE CHEERFULLY IGNORING SAFEWORD!"
Bagdazzul: AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!
*Explosion*
Josh: That's it!
Zeke: We did it!
Meg: We did it like I did his mom last night!
BGs: *Snerk*
Zeke: Well, that's probably exciting enough for one episode.
Josh: And I wanna go home anyway.
Meg: I'm Meg.
Josh: I'm Josh.
Zeke: And I'm Zeke.
Meg: And now you know: don't fuck with the Gameologists when it comes to games.
Josh: You know, this whole thing was probably orchestrated by White Wolf.
Meg: Music for this podcast was provided by...
THE END
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