I am going to rant, and I won't stop myself this time.

[Amechra]

So.,.

It has come to my attention that the two emotional constants in my life are anger and fear. Not as sharp emotions; I've consistently and semi-intentionally lowered my own self-esteem for reasons that I'm not even entirely consciously aware of.

The other constant is the ideas that are clawing at the inside of my head, that I'm too afraid to bring into the world (see the above).

I delete most of my output before I finish it; not even halfway through. I look at the nearly-finished product and I reject it. I've done this to everything from condolences (do I sound like I'm mocking them? I can't say anything that will dull whatever emotions that they are feeling at whatever-it-is, so there is nothing I can do that won't make it worse) to complaints about my own problems (everyone else has actual problems; who am I to complain about a migraine or a bad day?) to pages of homebrew (it's shit and no one will ever use it! Utter garbage.) to school projects (I'll do it when it won't be the biggest piece of crap ever) to projects I've spent days working on (eh, it's not as if it mattered that much).

I also don't want to start anything; once I'm sitting down and doing something, the overwhelming sense of dread that covers every corner of human endeavor lifts for a bit, and I can work until my dissatisfaction overwhelms my urge to create and do, and I'm left doing nothing yet again.

I've asked one of my best friends out of the blue whether or not she hated me. I have to try so very hard to be proud of anything I do.

And then the anger comes in...

I'm angry at one of my friends for being sorry that he brought the Holocaust up.
I'm angry that one of my friends has gone off and is progressing in her life while I don't seem to change.
I'm angry that I'm being a selfish asshole.
I'm angry at people for bringing up religious debate in the "do you pray" thread.
I'm angry at myself for thinking about deleting the last line.
I'm angry at everyone who is feeling happy at this moment.
I'm angry at everyone who is in love.
I'm angry at the Sun for being so bright.
I'm angry at everyone who laughs in earshot.
I'm angry at the Internet. The entire thing.
I'm angry at every single person who touches me, some less than others.
I'm angry at myself for still wanting human contact.

Hell, let's just leave it as "I'm angry at being human." I'm angry at being one person. I'm angry with being restricted to one viewpoint, one gender, one species, one location, one set of thoughts.

When I show someone something, I can't just sit back and enjoy it with them; I watch them, and dissect their every reaction.

The urge to delete this thing just hit; better post now before I stop myself.

[bhu]

 

[Amechra]

Thanks bhu.

[bhu]

I know how you feel.  But I haven't found much of a better way of dealing with it so hugs are the best i can do.

[FireInTheSky]

are seconded here.

[Nanshork]

What can I/we do to help you cope better?

I can't speak for everyone, but I accept you for who you are issues and all.  God knows I've got my own.

[Dkonen]

Amechra-go see a counsellor or therapist.

It sounds like you've got a serious issue that can be worked on, but needs a support structure to be dealt with.

There are offices where they can and will help pro bono, and they're compassionate as well as well educated. Go see someone who can help. What you're feeling isn't just anger, it isn't just a manic phase or any such thing. The opppressive daily weight will crush you.

Go see someone. They can help. They can make the difference between a life you can barely confront and a life you can't live without.

[Nytemare3701]

Amechra-go see a counsellor or therapist.

It sounds like you've got a serious issue that can be worked on, but needs a support structure to be dealt with.

There are offices where they can and will help pro bono, and they're compassionate as well as well educated. Go see someone who can help. What you're feeling isn't just anger, it isn't just a manic phase or any such thing. The opppressive daily weight will crush you.

Go see someone. They can help. They can make the difference between a life you can barely confront and a life you can't live without.

As someone who has put up with this very same feeling for a long time, I second this advice. I have been in therapy for depression and anxiety for over a decade, and I am barely starting to cope. I've reached the point where I consciously stop what I'm doing and post it as-is, with a note that it isn't finished. My homebrew, my handbooks, and my personal projects all pan out the same way:

Step 1: I have a creative idea or job to do.
BARRIER: I don't feel confident in my ability to do it, or even where to start.
Step 2: I manage to put together some sort of plan, or my creative energy gives me confidence.
BARRIER: Expending mental energy to do the task puts me at risk of burning out.
Step 3: I finish the first draft of the task
BARRIER: I am unsatisfied with my work and am more inclined to delete the work than fix it.

This is why I don't do projects myself. I am a game design consultant because I have a clear cut goal within sprint distance, and I can solve the client's problems before it all creeps up on me again. I don't have to like my output either, as long as they do.

[Amechra]

I now have appointments with one of the counselors starting next semester.

Here's to hoping!

[Dkonen]

Good luck and remember-if you don't like the person you're supposed to be working with, or feel any doubt at all, feel free to swap to someone else. It's not a slight against their ability or against you, it's that proper therapists have to fit well with their clients.

Don't be concerned if you have to switch around or if they switch you around until you have someone who fits. With something this personal, you have to have a good interpersonal relationship before it can help you work things out.

[Amechra]

Gotcha.

My brain has also started its whole hallucinatory dream inspiration thing.

Pros: I'm not going to have writer's block for a while.
Cons: Was the tentacle-rape-with-intestines necessary, brain?

No more horror games before bed for me...

[awaken_D_M_golem]

... It sounds like you've got a serious issue that can be worked on ...

I now have appointments with one of the counselors ** starting next semester ...

Meanwhile, you've got 50 pages to work with here, before the mods lock this thread.

Tell me about those Tentacles ...

[Nytemare3701]

Gotcha.

My brain has also started its whole hallucinatory dream inspiration thing.

Pros: I'm not going to have writer's block for a while.
Cons: Was the tentacle-rape-with-intestines necessary, brain?

No more horror games before bed for me...

I ran a full "trapped in hell" campaign once off of my night terrors. My friends got to beat up my nightmares for me :-D

[Dkonen]

My husband gets occasional night terrors, though they've eased off lately.

However, I got the fun of having one...almost exactly like the types he usually does.

Laying in bed, talking to him, nice bright day when a ginormous spider crawls across his face from behind his head.

Brought me bolt upright awake. Yup, he has night terrors of giant spiders. Now I know why he woke up in panics from time to time.

*shudder*

Usually I just get fully sensory dreams, reading, thinking, writing (not lucid as I don't control them) all full sensory input including thinking to myself, and despite some that are rather grim-they're pretty damned awesome.

If I don't get them I know something's off for me-either exhaustion or burnout.

Downside? Movies and TV are kind of...bland by comparison.

[awaken_D_M_golem]

 


I wonder if in real life a :  Me, my kitty avatar, hypnosis,  sleepwalking, and lucid dreaming
combo ... would provide any noticeable difference.

No?
It was worth a shot 

Is that a real elf over there ...