It may feel like a small accomplishment but it was a large one Brujon. Congratulations.
And now looking at it in hindsight, you can see the lies people tell them selves and the confirmation bias. That's a pretty important lesson on it's own.
Yup. Pretty much, i had a lot of fun, a lot more good experiences than bad ones, but the few bad ones i did had, and the few times that i did go overboard with them, and the time i finally felt that if i continue down this road it will NOT go well for me, and i decided that enough's enough, and it's been great.
Finally getting to a point where my meds are actually working has been amazing, it's like i'm a completely different person now. I can think way more clearly, way less emotionally and more rationally at things. I don't do things by impulse anymore, but think rather than act immediately.
For so many years i've struggled to really accept that i do, in fact, have a problem and that i need to take my meds. For years i've been misdiagnosed, taking drugs that rather than help me just neutered me and left me not feeling really like myself. But now i do accept that i'm bipolar, and i'll always be, and i need to take my meds or i'll go down the same way my uncle did, putting a bullet inside my own head. Bipolars are at an extremely high risk of suicide, it's a fucking frightening thing. Even now when i look back at some of the shit i did, some of the shit i wrote, some of the shit i felt when i was down, or how much i've hurt people (not physically) when i was drunk with power during my manic phases, my choleric outbursts, anger issues and overall lack of impulse control, i shudder.
And yet for so many years i neglected to better myself. I ran rather than faced any of my issues. I repeatedly bashed my head against the same wall, making the same mistake, over and over again, and stupidly wondered, just why the fuck am i getting the same results. Almost as if i was seeking to hurt myself, almost as if i wanted to feel bad, wanted to feel disappointed.
I chased an impossibility, a life where there are no hardships, no unexpectedness, a life where i'm fully in control, fully happy, all the time. Even my drug use was motivated by this, at least in part. When i got to clubbing, i went hard, i went to 4 to 5 nights a week, i barely slept 20 to 30 hours the entire week. I shot my stomach to hell, i became emaciated, eyebags so deep and purple it was obvious to all that i was on something most of the time. Even had to do coke sometimes just to get through a day's work. Eventually i did kick it back a notch, to a more normal level, but all this thrill-seeking behavior, this unhealthy obssession over being happy or having fun all the time would be the death of me, eventually, had i not come to the conclusion that i had to face up to my issues.
It's actually been a slow process, something in the making from way back to 2015, when i first started to really write, to really try to understand myself, my mind, to introspect and find within myself the flaws, and the means to better them, to conquer them, surpass them and find the strength to become a better man and human being. I started to deliberately think and do things, i started to search for a purpose for all of the things that i did.
If i did something, i did it because i wanted to. My first lesson to myself was that i was going to erase the word "regret" from my vocabulary, and it did wonders for me. Learning to let go of the past, to not question oneself, was a very good lesson that i learned, but it wasn't enough. I already knew, and had already written, that i can't control everything, and that i must learn to let go. I must learn to know when i can or can't prevent something from happening, separate problems into the "impossible" and "possible" categories, and really learn to see that "impossible" problems are not problems at all because problems imply a solution, and if something can't be remedied, than it's not use mulling over it, you just accept it as fact and move on.
But it's extremely hard, to introspect enough and find within oneself the drive and will to learn that it's much better to learn to react than it is to try and control events around you. As intelligent human beings we have the instinct of trying to use that cunning and understanding of the world to try and bend it to our will, make it conform to our desires, make it serve us and our purposes. We get frustrated, and feel small and diminished, when our wants are not met, our needs not fulfilled, and we're forced to admit that we can't do everything, that you're not so beautiful, or not so tall, not so smart, no so wealthy, not so dextrous, not so talented.
I had cast out the word "regret" but was struggling with "disappointment". I need to stop getting disappointed with myself, i needed to stop thinking that i need to somehow achieve X or Y in order to get valuable. I need to stop thinking that if i don't have X or Y i'll be judged by other people, seen as lesser. This need to impress, this care for what others think has to stop, and the self must prevail.
This is what i struggle with the most, but i am deliberately and purposefully attacking the problem, i'm consciously aware of every time that i fail to do this, and try and remedy it as best i can.
I never cared much for psychology, or psychologists in general. Nobody ever understood why. This is why. I introspect, a lot. I really try to go deep into myself, try to better, try to systematize. I'm my own psychologist, and i'm much better at fixing myself than anybody ever will. Only I, and I alone has the full breadth of knowledge in the subject matter of myself. I'm the utmost and foremost expert in the matter of the self. Nobody, no matter how hard they try, how long they know me, will ever know as much as i do about me. I'm the best qualified to do so, and so, i will treat myself as a problem that needs fixing, and apply solutions to fix it.
It's not too hard if i dettach myself enough, if i write about it, if i create a system, analyse it purposefully and coldly, scientifically. Like it was anything else, like it was an essay, a test, an exam or whatever. There's a problem needs fixing, i need to find and apply the solution. I'm good at this sort of thing.
Glad to say it's working, at last! But for how long?
It's too early to say that i finally figured everything out. BUT, that i'm better than ever, this much is certain. And i do so hope that no matter the hardships to come, that i've learned enough to surpass and overcome, come out stronger the other end, rather than crumble like a house of cards at the slightest gust of wind.