Writing again

[trappedslider]

A few nights ago I had an idea for a story and at least one character. Here's the description of that character, I'd like to know what you all think. And yes I intentionally named the tavern Demon's Run.

Nikora Everett stands at 5’10 with grey eyes and short black hair that is often tied into a ponytail. She has a tattoo of crossed swords with the names of her parents on each blade on the back of her neck. She’s 33. She normally dresses in casual clothes such as a shirt and pants, with black leather boots. On her right wrist is a solid silver bracelet with a matching one on her left. The bracelets are a magical gift from her father, when she utters the word “Volund” they extend into two short blades. She’s a thief along with being a worker at a local tavern, both her father Seng Everett mother Carina Everett were well-known artificers who sadly perished in a fire due to one of their projects exploding when Nikora was a teen. She joined a thief’s guild both as a way to support herself, after finding out that while she had some magical talent it wasn’t up to the same level as her parents; and as something to do. Her minor talent enable her to pick locks by pressing her hand against either the door or the lock itself. She also was trained in sword fighting hence the bracelets given to her from her father on a birthday. Her demeanor is laid back and easy going at least when working the bar. She often has a smirk on her face. She realized she also needed some sort of cover and got employed the popular tavern “Demon’s Run”.

So,what do you all think?

[nijineko]

What kind of feedback do you want?

• spelling/grammar?
• word choice/placement?
• overall feeling, context, and presentation?
• something else?

[trappedslider]

Do you think Nikora is bland,cliche needs more info, that kind of thing since it's just a quick bio for reference.

[Archon]

The description is pretty good; I'd feel it lacks in "Plot Hooks" a bit - It sounds like a D&D character made when you didn't know what the plot was going to be. You focus too much on "Stuff that Happened" and not enough on "Why should the reader care"

That's my two cents, anyway.

[trappedslider]

the plot is she's hired as part of a crew to steal an item or document, I haven't picked which one yet.

[nijineko]

Pretty decent for a rough draft.

If this is going to remain as a "Player's character bio for the DM to read" then you have very little polishing needed. I do agree with the benefit of including a few possible plot hooks in the description, it's always handy to have a few open/loose ends that you could find a nice match for during the game. I'm a fan of grammar, so I'd point out a few items on that front if you felt like you wanted that sort of advice.

As far as character building goes, this description would rate between 2 and 3 (closer to 3) on the Character Dimensionality scale (which goes up to 7, iirc), a good start. I like that you have included a bit of personality, a bit of history/background, a bit of items/equipement, and a bit of talent/abilities. The microkinesis is a nice touch (pun intended). Might want to consider the applications of the microkinesis for small-scale micro-brewing, perhaps something she could discover in her future?

If you want this to be more of an "author's presentation to an audience" then I could think of a few changes that might be beneficial.

It might be beneficial to include some points of view, how she feels about stuff.

[trappedslider]

Pretty decent for a rough draft.

If this is going to remain as a "Player's character bio for the DM to read" then you have very little polishing needed. I do agree with the benefit of including a few possible plot hooks in the description, it's always handy to have a few open/loose ends that you could find a nice match for during the game. I'm a fan of grammar, so I'd point out a few items on that front if you felt like you wanted that sort of advice.

As far as character building goes, this description would rate between 2 and 3 (closer to 3) on the Character Dimensionality scale (which goes up to 7, iirc), a good start. I like that you have included a bit of personality, a bit of history/background, a bit of items/equipement, and a bit of talent/abilities. The microkinesis is a nice touch (pun intended). Might want to consider the applications of the microkinesis for small-scale micro-brewing, perhaps something she could discover in her future?

If you want this to be more of an "author's presentation to an audience" then I could think of a few changes that might be beneficial.

It might be beneficial to include some points of view, how she feels about stuff.

It's not game related, it's a character reference  for when I start writing the actual story,so anything suggestions along those lines would be helpful. Right now i just have a rough idea about the plot and I changed a detail due to the setting, which is going to take place in my Crystalshore city.

[trappedslider]

Sp,here's the start of my new story :

 Nikora jumped from her hiding place among the statutes that lined the roof of the church, her cold grey eyes locked on the rooftop below landing with a roll. She sat there smirking thinking about her training and how she once feared heights. Slowly standing up as she looked around for a door or way into the building, her eyes found the outline of a trap door recessed into the roof. Coming next to it she knelt down and laid her right hand on the door. Closing her eyes in concentration her hand began to glow a soft blue and in her mind she could see the mechanism that made up the lock. With a smile forming on her soft lips she started to manipulate the pins in the lock. Easier than making a Covered Apple cocktail, she thought while moving her hand to the door’s handle and pulling up to reveal a ladder leading into darkness.

[trappedslider]

so, I rewrote and added some more :

Nikora jumped from her hiding place among the statutes that lined the roof of the church. Her cold grey eyes locked on the rooftop below. She ran and leapt down, landing with a roll. While rising to her feet, Nikora found the outline of a trap door recessed into the roof. Moving next to it she knelt down and laid her right hand on the door. Closing her eyes in concentration her hand began to glow a soft blue and in her mind she could see the mechanism that made up the lock. With a smile forming on her soft lips she started to manipulate the pins in the lock. Easier than making a cocktail, she thought while moving her hand to the door’s handle and pulling up to reveal a ladder leading into darkness. She moved down the ladder making sure to pull the trap door closed and locking it. Once she got to the bottom of the ladder she found herself in a closet.

Opening the door revealed a bedroom. In the middle of the room was a large bed with a few pillows tossed about on it. Directly opposite from the bed was a dresser with a small jewelry box along with a picture on top. Slipping a bag from her back and tossing it on the bed, she said “Home sweet home.”

[trappedslider]

I wish I saw this information sooner

Ummm What information?

EDIT: I've put this story on the back burner and have chosen to work on fixing and expanding one of my other stories.

[Nanshork]

I wish I saw this information sooner

Ummm What information?

EDIT: I've put this story on the back burner and have chosen to work on fixing and expanding one of my other stories.

It's a spam bot. 

[trappedslider]

I wish I saw this information sooner

Ummm What information?

EDIT: I've put this story on the back burner and have chosen to work on fixing and expanding one of my other stories.

It's a spam bot. 

I realized that a bit too late..but whatever my current WIP https://tinyurl.com/ycfrxbuk i need FEEDBACK!, the link lets you post comments....