Sex: a rant about my personal life from one PC to another

[mthor]

Warning: Below is a wall of text that pretty much encapsulates all of my troubles, minor though they may be. If you do not want to see a huge rant about my problems and maybe offer some advice ( or just laugh at me, totally cool with that as well =P) please don’t bother to read it. If you troubles are worse than I am truly sorry. One more thing, someone in this story frequents this forums and I would prefere if you didn’t read this. Let me assure you that I am not mad and I just want to talk to somebody who I will never have to deal with IRL. So if you know my as Thor then this isn’t for you.

(click to show/hide)

So I have a story. It is about sex and bro code, so bear with me. I am asking you min-max boards for two reasons, one, because I like my privacy and two, because you are my people. In my freshman year of college, I ended up help make a group of friends which I ended up dubbing my inner circle for one main reason. They were accepting. That’s pretty much it. They didn’t mind if I liked dnd or starcraft or anything like that. And because of that I valued them over most of my other friends because I thought that no matter what we would still be friends. Not only that but I started drawing other friends of mine who I thought would fit in and who didn’t have big friend groups. I ended up dating 2 of the girls who I was originally friends with and one of the big things that I insisted upon was that we take it slow so that if we didn’t work out then we could still be friends. This worked wonderfully with one girl and after a week or so of dating we realized that we wouldn’t work out and went back to being friends. She moved on and stated dating my roommate at the time. I ended up dating the second girl and we dated for almost a year. Unfortunately, the second half of that year didn’t go so well because she started focusing more on school and worked a lot. I did my best to be a nice guy and actually ended up dating her for longer than I would have otherwise because I thought she wanted to still try and she kept on talking about how her next semester would be less full. In the mean time I didn’t see her much and thus I didn’t hang out with the rest of the friend group I helped make because they were her roommates and what little time they did have they spent together relaxing. This actually ended up with me spending more time over at a fraternity hanging out and making friends. I ended up joining that fraternity and proceeded to say dumb shit like a lot of college age kids do (I was pretty inexperience with alcohol). That is when things started to go sour. I ended up being a complete ass to one of our mutual friends and at the same time that I was trying to make things right with her I started trying to hang out with my ex more because we were getting less and less opportunities to have sex and her sex drive was very low to begin with. Eventually things came to a head and I told my ex that I was looking for a relationship that had sex in it, which was something that I had be clear about the entire time. She of course broke out into tears about how I was being mean since she just had a low sex drive and was really, really busy and she really wanted to still be in the relationship. About a month later she dumped me. My roommate was told about it before I knew what was up and was told to leave the room and it was really weird. I ended up spending more time with the guys down at the frat to give us both time to adjust.  But it’s been a while and we have both moved on. I moved in with some other friends and the guy I consider my best friend moved in with my former roommate who is still dating one of the 2 girls. Thus they whenever they do have time to hang out it is essentially everyone in that friend group except for me. It feels weird to be left out of a group I originally valued because they were accepting. What triggered this rant is that I recently found out that my ex and my best friend slept together, just a one night stand sort of thing. It is weird on several levels because one of the reasons we broke up is our differing sex drives and the fact that she ended up fucking my best friend.  I don’t feel like I should have any say in this and am not mad at my friend at all excluding one fact. He didn’t tell me. Once again everyone knew except for me. I am feeling a little sad and lacking in friends right now because I would usually talk to my best friend about this but that would be weird. So you tell me. How do you gentleman and gentle ladies feel?

P.S. Sorry about spelling and grammar. As a dyslexic engineering student I rarely bother with them beyond a formal report.

[bhu]

Being the last person to know is hardly unusual.  Nobody wants to be the one to tell you.

[Dkonen]

Honestly-I'd be a little weirded out for awhile and very confused. Disappointed and sad, feeling rather left out. Probably like you are.

Do understand a low sex drive can still hit moments of...peak...suddenly, it's just quite a bit more rare than higher drives. Given that it sounds like you still want to be part of this group, I'd suggest ignoring it until you feel up to talking to either about it. Obviously you're upset about it, and you know you're upset, but you don't want to lose what you had. So, spend that pent up energy in getting it back. Hang out with your friends, mend fences, build bridges, go and do stuff with them.

From all you say, this group of friends is important to you, despite what happened. You're angry at her and him for going behind your back... perhaps even more at her than him, which, if you'll understand, that's probably a remnant of the frat mentality. There's more to it than what you're seeing, and once you're ready to ask (out of curiousity not out of anger or disappointment), do so. If they're as accepting and understanding as you think, they'll answer.

I can't say I agree with your ultimatum about sex in a relationship-especially since stress can drive even the strongest sex drives to almost nothing (and with her school work it sounds like that may have happened), but I don't know how old you are. Sex has different meanings and yes, age does influence it, not to mention the definition of "relationship". It doesn't sound like it was something serious you were after, otherwise the relationship would have been less centered around sex and more around the person and having them around. That's not a judgement, just an observation.

All in all, your friendships seem more important than any of the rest of this, so I'd suggest concentrating on that first and the rest will fall into place, be it via time and perspective, talk, or just happenstance. If you really need to blow off some steam, may I suggest trashing some boxes in an empty car lot? Throwing glass bottles or cheap dollar store plates? Smashing stuff often helps, and you can't always be fortunate enough to have to help renovate-tearing down walls with a sledgehammer (highly therapeutic).

[Amechra]

Dkonen types words of wisdom.

Just accept that things are in the past, and see if they can too.

[mthor]

From all you say, this group of friends is important to you, despite what happened. You're angry at her and him for going behind your back... perhaps even more at her than him, which, if you'll understand, that's probably a remnant of the frat mentality.

Meh. I am a pretty level headed dude and this is what passes for rage for me, a strongly worded internet post.

If you really need to blow off some steam, may I suggest trashing some boxes in an empty car lot? Throwing glass bottles or cheap dollar store plates? Smashing stuff often helps, and you can't always be fortunate enough to have to help renovate-tearing down walls with a sledgehammer (highly therapeutic).

Definitely not to that point. I'm would have no problem with them having sex or dating. I am just a little confused as to how she went from me.... to someone who is very like me.

I can't say I agree with your ultimatum about sex in a relationship-especially since stress can drive even the strongest sex drives to almost nothing (and with her school work it sounds like that may have happened), but I don't know how old you are. Sex has different meanings and yes, age does influence it, not to mention the definition of "relationship". It doesn't sound like it was something serious you were after, otherwise the relationship would have been less centered around sex and more around the person and having them around. That's not a judgement, just an observation.

Early 20's for both of us. So yeah I am mostly looking for someone that makes me happy in a relationship rather then a life partner. And to be fair I did spend about 7 months almost never seeing her or talking to her.

Being the last person to know is hardly unusual.  Nobody wants to be the one to tell you.

That is very true. I just like privacy and being the last person to know about something that effects me is really annoying.

Dkonen types words of wisdom.

Just accept that things are in the past, and see if they can too.

Word. I am working on that. Actually this is more therapeutic then anything else. I will have no problems here but its one of those things where the fact she ends up sleeping with the guy I would usually talk to, so it ends up keeping me out of the loop. Also who is Dkonen?

[Amechra]

The poster who always writes an essay in response to people's problems. Only person who has posted in this thread other than you, bhu, and myself.

[mthor]

Damn I am sorry dude. That makes me feel like an air head.

[Dkonen]

LOL

for both the essay comment and the apologies.

I suppose I do write a great deal, but I like to try and explore things and give full answers. Life is hard enough as it is.

Also-English Major and part time amateur therapist to those in need. 

[mthor]

LOL

for both the essay comment and the apologies.

I suppose I do write a great deal, but I like to try and explore things and give full answers. Life is hard enough as it is.

Also-English Major and part time amateur therapist to those in need. 

English Major, =P Engineering Major here.  The weird thing is that I am usually the amature therapist, but I dont do it in writing.

[Amechra]

Did I say your essays were a bad thing?

At least you can act as therapist; I'm a CS major and all I'm good for is getting concepts across. 

[Dkonen]

My father's an engineer, so I know the life. Ended up married to the son of an engineer who started with CS.

So I get a lot of the how to break things down/put it back together and my arts/humanities makes that extend to people.

Oh and my mother's a geriatric nurse, so that applies to the physical side too.

And everyone where I grew up did some backyard mechanics work, so I know my way around a wrench and v8 too

I am ..eclectic. And wordy

... but there's so much *stuff*! ...seriously I'm like a kid in a candy store over new issues and problems and ideas.

..
..

Probably why I'm typing this at 2:30am ... brain won't stop. 

Ah well at least there's lovely company. 

[mthor]

Did I say your essays were a bad thing?

At least you can act as therapist; I'm a CS major and all I'm good for is getting concepts across. 

Acually, I usually have a hard time understanding CS majors. It is almost as if they are speaking a different language. 

My father's an engineer, so I know the life. Ended up married to the son of an engineer who started with CS.

So I get a lot of the how to break things down/put it back together and my arts/humanities makes that extend to people.

Oh and my mother's a geriatric nurse, so that applies to the physical side too.

And everyone where I grew up did some backyard mechanics work, so I know my way around a wrench and v8 too

I am ..eclectic. And wordy

... but there's so much *stuff*! ...seriously I'm like a kid in a candy store over new issues and problems and ideas.

..
..

Probably why I'm typing this at 2:30am ... brain won't stop. 

Ah well at least there's lovely company. 

I am typeing this at 2 am. So indeed good company. At least I have I a good excuse because I just got back from the Dr. Who 50th anniversary 3D movie edition thingy.