AKA things that have no place happening to a regular person.
Feel free to post any previous tales you dig up here. I'm too lazy to do that myself, and I've got other things to dig up anyhow.
First of all, a tale from work.
As none of you yet know, I've semi-recently undergone a certain amount of pressure over at work. I'd been called on for what I do during my break time (namely checking the internet, using my PSP and so on). I won't get into particular details.
Anyhoo, I go up to my boss and talk to him about the situation. I mentioned that if I made anyone uncomfortable I'd be willing to talk to them and whatnot. He answers as such: "[Kuro], since you've begun working here your sector's gone up three positions productivity-wise, and you're counted as one of the top ten within it. As long as you keep up this rhythm of work, I couldn't care less if you pole-danced in between assignments. Just make sure no one from outside the company sees you at such times." I thank him and mention apologizing to those that I may have upset. He says it's my call. So I go back up and ask everyone for a minute of their attention. I explain that I work the way I do because it's most pleasant for me that way and that if I offended anyone by it, I apologized. And that everyone was welcome to speak to me if they wanted to clear things up. Which some had apparently taken to mean they could watch me work.
40 minutes till closing, one of my colleagues curses out loud. I ask what's wrong, he explains there's something that NEEDS to be out in the street before day's end, otherwise heads would roll. He seems ready to give up then and there and dance to the tune of defeat.
"How many copies do we need to send?""Ninety-four."
"Call the bike messenger and tell him to be here in 20 minutes.""Are you crazy?! We're talking 94 different copies we need to fold, tag, log and send on their way before six o'clock!! It's fucking impossible!!"
"Do it. I've got this."So he calls.
In the meantime, I instruct another colleague to ready the tags while I make the copies.
With the copies done, I speak to the others.
"Alright. [Colleague A], you get started on the logging. [Colleagues B & C], I'm splitting this pile of copies in three. Let's do this shit, gentlemen."So we start folding. I finish my pile ahead of the others.
"[Colleague B], give me half your pile." Meanwhile, Colleague A comments he's done logging, so I tell him to start tagging. Not long after I'm done with Colleague B's given half. I ask for half of Colleague C's pile and finish that too.
Total time: 18 minutes, 37 seconds.
Total copies folded by me: roughly 60 copies.
The bike messenger arrives. We tell him to hurry and get there. He claims he won't get there in time.
"I can make that route in 15 minutes on foot, without running. You can do it in a bike. Move it!"End result: Kuro saves the day.
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Today, someone decided it'd be a great idea to send every copy of a 54-member building the most excrutiating way, via Receipt Warning. Task lands on my lap. I'm bored out of my skull, when suddenly somebody taps my shoulder. I'm asked if I'm okay, and I realize I'm done. Apparently, my colleagues tell me, I worked in my sleep.
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I'm at the bank in the seemingly endless line of endless lines. There's this musclebound academy rat and a pregnant lady in front of me.
So the academy rat lights up a cigarette. But not just any smoke, it stank like someone just lit up Nixon's putrefying asshole. Lots of smoke too. The pregnant lady starts coughing, and the security guard approaches and tells the guy to put it out, to which he receives the reply to piss off. The academy rat, roughly 2,15 meters tall, in contrast with the 1,67m guard, manages to scare him off.
"Dude, put that shit out right now. It's illegal and it stinks, plus you're giving second-hand smoke to a freaking fetus."He puts his hand up and says, "Talk to the hand."
Veinpop. I reach for his hand.
"Fair enough. You ain't gonna enjoy the dialogue though.
Ore no kono te ga furueteru nari.
Omae wo hazukashimese kagayaku sakebu.
Kurae! Ikari to nikushimi to ijime wo!!
CRUSHING FINGEEEEEEEEEEERRRR!!!"And then I crush his hand in mine, bending his fingers backwards.
He falls to his knees and drops the cig. I pick it up and put it out in his forehead. By this point he's screaming, so I shove the butt into his mouth.
"Now get your ass out of here before I decide to talk outta my dominant hand."-----------------------------
I'm taking a stroll on the park since I'm too bored from staying at home, when I notice this big commotion. There's a lot of folks surrounding this emo retard holding a girl at freaking knifepoint. Nobody seems to have the good sense to call the police as he keeps screaming incomprehensible nonsense about how nobody understands him and how we're less than specks in the universe.
So I walk up.
"Put that shit down, you're embarassing yourself.""No! They have to see! They all have to see! I'm not a nobody! <more incoherent nonsense>"
"All you're really doing is trying to get attention like a 5-year-old holding his breath. Let her go.""Shut up! You don't know me! I'm deeper than you! I'm deeper than all of you!"
"Yeah, all the layers of stupid, moronic and self-loathing must really hide a pretty flower.""You don't care what happens to her?! I'm gonna do it!"
"You made three critical mistakes, dipshit. Number one, you picked a hostage that was shorter than yourself. She makes a terrible human shield. Number two, and this is hilarious, you picked a weapon that not only you can't kill quickly with, you're holding it wrong. The blade is on the other side, you moron!"So he looks down at it.
I shoot a high kick with my toe aimed at his ear, which makes him stumble. I pull the girl out of the way... and proceed to
Dempsey Roll the shit out of the fucker's torso. (Note: I'm not a boxer. I copied the technique straight outta the manga version of Hajime no Ippo.) I finish by holding him from his hair with one hand.
"Number three, you looked.
I could give you hours of life lessons on how to become a less despicable human being, but they'd be wasted on you. So I'm gonna content myself with kicking you outta the gene pool."So I kick him in the nuts, full power.
"Though it's not like you were gonna use them anyway."Walk away like a boss to the cheers of the crowd.
