Author Topic: Kuro's Improbable Tales  (Read 106130 times)

Offline Kuroimaken

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Kuro's Improbable Tales
« on: November 18, 2011, 04:17:07 PM »
AKA things that have no place happening to a regular person.  :P

Feel free to post any previous tales you dig up here. I'm too lazy to do that myself, and I've got other things to dig up anyhow.

First of all, a tale from work.

As none of you yet know, I've semi-recently undergone a certain amount of pressure over at work. I'd been called on for what I do during my break time (namely checking the internet, using my PSP and so on). I won't get into particular details.

Anyhoo, I go up to my boss and talk to him about the situation. I mentioned that if I made anyone uncomfortable I'd be willing to talk to them and whatnot. He answers as such: "[Kuro], since you've begun working here your sector's gone up three positions productivity-wise, and you're counted as one of the top ten within it. As long as you keep up this rhythm of work, I couldn't care less if you pole-danced in between assignments. Just make sure no one from outside the company sees you at such times." I thank him and mention apologizing to those that I may have upset. He says it's my call. So I go back up and ask everyone for a minute of their attention. I explain that I work the way I do because it's most pleasant for me that way and that if I offended anyone by it, I apologized. And that everyone was welcome to speak to me if they wanted to clear things up. Which some had apparently taken to mean they could watch me work.

40 minutes till closing, one of my colleagues curses out loud. I ask what's wrong, he explains there's something that NEEDS to be out in the street before day's end, otherwise heads would roll. He seems ready to give up then and there and dance to the tune of defeat.

"How many copies do we need to send?"
"Ninety-four."
"Call the bike messenger and tell him to be here in 20 minutes."
"Are you crazy?! We're talking 94 different copies we need to fold, tag, log and send on their way before six o'clock!! It's fucking impossible!!"
"Do it. I've got this."
So he calls.

In the meantime, I instruct another colleague to ready the tags while I make the copies.

With the copies done, I speak to the others.
"Alright. [Colleague A], you get started on the logging. [Colleagues B & C], I'm splitting this pile of copies in three. Let's do this shit, gentlemen."

So we start folding. I finish my pile ahead of the others.
"[Colleague B], give me half your pile."
Meanwhile, Colleague A comments he's done logging, so I tell him to start tagging. Not long after I'm done with Colleague B's given half. I ask for half of Colleague C's pile and finish that too.

Total time: 18 minutes, 37 seconds.
Total copies folded by me: roughly 60 copies.

The bike messenger arrives. We tell him to hurry and get there. He claims he won't get there in time.
"I can make that route in 15 minutes on foot, without running. You can do it in a bike. Move it!"

End result: Kuro saves the day.
-----------------------------
Today, someone decided it'd be a great idea to send every copy of a 54-member building the most excrutiating way, via Receipt Warning. Task lands on my lap. I'm bored out of my skull, when suddenly somebody taps my shoulder. I'm asked if I'm okay, and I realize I'm done. Apparently, my colleagues tell me, I worked in my sleep.
----------------------------
I'm at the bank in the seemingly endless line of endless lines. There's this musclebound academy rat and a pregnant lady in front of me.

So the academy rat lights up a cigarette. But not just any smoke, it stank like someone just lit up Nixon's putrefying asshole. Lots of smoke too. The pregnant lady starts coughing, and the security guard approaches and tells the guy to put it out, to which he receives the reply to piss off. The academy rat, roughly 2,15 meters tall, in contrast with the 1,67m guard, manages to scare him off.
"Dude, put that shit out right now. It's illegal and it stinks, plus you're giving second-hand smoke to a freaking fetus."
He puts his hand up and says, "Talk to the hand."
Veinpop. I reach for his hand.
"Fair enough. You ain't gonna enjoy the dialogue though.

Ore no kono te ga furueteru nari.
Omae wo hazukashimese kagayaku sakebu.
Kurae! Ikari to nikushimi to ijime wo!!
CRUSHING FINGEEEEEEEEEEERRRR!!!
"


And then I crush his hand in mine, bending his fingers backwards.

He falls to his knees and drops the cig. I pick it up and put it out in his forehead. By this point he's screaming, so I shove the butt into his mouth.

"Now get your ass out of here before I decide to talk outta my dominant hand."
-----------------------------
I'm taking a stroll on the park since I'm too bored from staying at home, when I notice this big commotion. There's a lot of folks surrounding this emo retard holding a girl at freaking knifepoint. Nobody seems to have the good sense to call the police as he keeps screaming incomprehensible nonsense about how nobody understands him and how we're less than specks in the universe.

So I walk up.

"Put that shit down, you're embarassing yourself."
"No! They have to see! They all have to see! I'm not a nobody! <more incoherent nonsense>"
"All you're really doing is trying to get attention like a 5-year-old holding his breath. Let her go."
"Shut up! You don't know me! I'm deeper than you! I'm deeper than all of you!"
"Yeah, all the layers of stupid, moronic and self-loathing must really hide a pretty flower."
"You don't care what happens to her?! I'm gonna do it!"
"You made three critical mistakes, dipshit. Number one, you picked a hostage that was shorter than yourself. She makes a terrible human shield. Number two, and this is hilarious, you picked a weapon that not only you can't kill quickly with, you're holding it wrong. The blade is on the other side, you moron!"

So he looks down at it.

I shoot a high kick with my toe aimed at his ear, which makes him stumble. I pull the girl out of the way... and proceed to Dempsey Roll the shit out of the fucker's torso. (Note: I'm not a boxer. I copied the technique straight outta the manga version of Hajime no Ippo.) I finish by holding him from his hair with one hand.

"Number three, you looked.

I could give you hours of life lessons on how to become a less despicable human being, but they'd be wasted on you. So I'm gonna content myself with kicking you outta the gene pool."


So I kick him in the nuts, full power.

"Though it's not like you were gonna use them anyway."

Walk away like a boss to the cheers of the crowd.
Kami darou ga akuma darou ga, ore no michi ni tateru mono NASHI!!

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Offline Cubey

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2011, 11:53:44 PM »
When I was a kid, and I mean like 2 years old tops, I used to eat a lot of weird crap. But mostly glass. The insides of a kaleidoscope were decent, but a lightbulb was really great. I managed not to cut myself.

Offline Nanshork

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2011, 01:00:11 AM »
Kuro, I'm glad that you've finally made a thread about all the shit that happens to you!

Offline Kuroimaken

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2011, 08:50:12 AM »
Funny story. Remember how I bought some of the Katekyo Hitman Reborn rings recently? Well, yesterday I took a walk out with the Sun ring on my right hand and the Rain ring hanging from my neck.

We had both sun AND rain, which resulted in a rainbow.

WTF?
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Offline Monotremeancer

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2011, 04:28:43 PM »
Funny story. Remember how I bought some of the Katekyo Hitman Reborn rings recently? Well, yesterday I took a walk out with the Sun ring on my right hand and the Rain ring hanging from my neck.

We had both sun AND rain, which resulted in a rainbow.

WTF?
Was it a triple rainbow? You should at least manage a double.
I'm what's staring back from the abyss.
How come you guys never wave?

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Offline DonQuixote

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2011, 04:38:51 PM »
Kuro, some days, you make me want to found a religion.
“Hast thou not felt in forest gloom, as gloaming falls on dark-some dells, when comes a whisper, hum and hiss; savage growling sounds a-near, dazzling flashes around thee flicker, whirring waxes and fills thine ears: has thou not felt then grisly horrors that grip thee and hold thee?”

Offline Kuroimaken

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #6 on: November 21, 2011, 05:12:57 PM »
Funny story. Remember how I bought some of the Katekyo Hitman Reborn rings recently? Well, yesterday I took a walk out with the Sun ring on my right hand and the Rain ring hanging from my neck.

We had both sun AND rain, which resulted in a rainbow.

WTF?
Was it a triple rainbow? You should at least manage a double.

Dunno. There were a few buildings in the way.

New stuff!

--------
So I'm off to the ATM and there's a bum right next to it. At least he's showing some smarts - people don't USUALLY leave the bank without money so they can't claim not to have any to spare. Sure enough, soon as I'm about to go in the door, he says, "Uncle, gimme some change."
"No."
"Why not?!"
"One, I don't remember having such an ugly nephew. Two, you didn't say please. Three, I do not feed lazy bums or maggots."
So he gets up and pulls a switchblade. Typical. "You take that back!"
"I see you're a liar, too. Aren't you supposed to not be able to walk?"

At this point, I'm so pissed I just content myself with kicking him in the throat. Didn't wanna dirty my hands, see.
---------------------------------
This one's downright cartoonish.

So today I'm going back home after a day at work and there's a moving truck. They're putting a freaking grand piano on a wheel sled so it'll be easier to move. The guys are obviously having some difficulty, and though they manage to put it on the sled, the guy holding it slips and the damn thing comes barrelling downhill. There's nearly a dozen people on the way.

When I see the guy slip, I dash uphill. My right hand shoves forward and I manage to halt it without harming the instrument. I didn't even budge.

Y'know, from all the times I've defied kinetics, this was the first time where I didn't actually inflict damage on whatever was moving towards me.

------------------------------

Turns out one of my colleagues captured my "sleepworking" moment on cell camera.

He's a lousy photographer though.

(click to show/hide)
Kami darou ga akuma darou ga, ore no michi ni tateru mono NASHI!!

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Offline Nanshork

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #7 on: November 21, 2011, 08:45:50 PM »
We need to harness your power for the good of the universe!

Offline Kuroimaken

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #8 on: November 21, 2011, 09:09:16 PM »
Maybe it was a good thing I couldn't find Storm or Lightning.  :p
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Offline DonQuixote

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #9 on: November 21, 2011, 09:35:26 PM »
Do me a favor.  Go outside and push on a building.

I want to see if you can alter the earth's spin.
“Hast thou not felt in forest gloom, as gloaming falls on dark-some dells, when comes a whisper, hum and hiss; savage growling sounds a-near, dazzling flashes around thee flicker, whirring waxes and fills thine ears: has thou not felt then grisly horrors that grip thee and hold thee?”

Offline Kuroimaken

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #10 on: November 22, 2011, 06:57:48 AM »
Naw, I do exercises like that every other day and so far, no noticeable changes.

EDIT: Can I bother anyone to do a demotivational poster with my sleepworking moment photo?  :p
« Last Edit: November 22, 2011, 04:54:54 PM by Kuroimaken »
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Offline Halinn

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #11 on: November 22, 2011, 09:01:31 PM »
Naw, I do exercises like that every other day and so far, no noticeable changes.

Maybe you are making sure that it keeps spinning?

Offline Kuroimaken

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #12 on: November 22, 2011, 10:52:02 PM »
Naw, I do exercises like that every other day and so far, no noticeable changes.

Maybe you are making sure that it keeps spinning?

How'd that work? I'm only 26.  :p

Besides, the building would probably crumble before I affected the Earth. Damn physics.
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Offline Kuroimaken

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #13 on: November 23, 2011, 03:41:21 PM »
I'm seriously considering coordinating my wardrobe with what I want to happen lately.

A couple of years ago, I was wandering around and helped three blind people, on separate occasions, to reach their destinations. I had a Blind Guardian T-shirt on.

Today, I had a Blind Guardian shirt AND a Gurren Lagann Drill Pendant on. I helped a blind guy who was wearing an impossibly orange-tinted pair of sunglasses. HE HAD FREAKING BLUE HAIR.
Kami darou ga akuma darou ga, ore no michi ni tateru mono NASHI!!

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Offline Halinn

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #14 on: November 24, 2011, 08:45:47 AM »
I'm seriously considering coordinating my wardrobe with what I want to happen lately.

A couple of years ago, I was wandering around and helped three blind people, on separate occasions, to reach their destinations. I had a Blind Guardian T-shirt on.

Today, I had a Blind Guardian shirt AND a Gurren Lagann Drill Pendant on. I helped a blind guy who was wearing an impossibly orange-tinted pair of sunglasses. HE HAD FREAKING BLUE HAIR.

Pretty cool. But a few more statistics might be nice - how many times have you worn a Blind Guardian T-shirt without having to help blind people?

Offline Kuroimaken

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #15 on: November 24, 2011, 06:22:48 PM »
It might be that specific t-shirt (or more accurately, the cover it depicts). I have three or four different t-shirts from that band and those were the only two times it happened. I can't be sure if I wore the same shirt twice on both occasions.
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Offline Halinn

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #16 on: November 24, 2011, 06:39:35 PM »
Hm. Maybe try some coolers combinations. Blind Guardian T-shirt, Sun ring and Rain ring. You should see a rainbow shine down, each end hitting a blind person waiting for your help.

Offline InnaBinder

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #17 on: November 24, 2011, 07:18:06 PM »
Hm. Maybe try some coolers combinations. Blind Guardian T-shirt, Sun ring and Rain ring. You should see a rainbow shine down, each end hitting a blind person waiting for your help and restoring their vision.
Fix'd based on Kuro's general luck and awesome powers.
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Offline Kuroimaken

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #18 on: November 24, 2011, 07:38:51 PM »
I think I wanna try seeing what Sun and Mist would do together first. Gold mist, maybe?  :lol
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Offline Tshern

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Re: Kuro's Improbable Tales
« Reply #19 on: November 24, 2011, 08:56:43 PM »
I'm seriously considering coordinating my wardrobe with what I want to happen lately.

A couple of years ago, I was wandering around and helped three blind people, on separate occasions, to reach their destinations. I had a Blind Guardian T-shirt on.

Today, I had a Blind Guardian shirt AND a Gurren Lagann Drill Pendant on. I helped a blind guy who was wearing an impossibly orange-tinted pair of sunglasses. HE HAD FREAKING BLUE HAIR.
The question why do you have Blind Guardian paraphernalia?
Pian unohtuu aika ja tila
Ja nahkapeitto ja syyllisyys
Ja rauenneilla kasvoilla
Viipyy muiston pysyvyys