Author Topic: Kuro's Improbable Tales (Read 106093 times)

SorO_Lost · « **Reply #300 on:** March 16, 2013, 04:04:36 PM »

Quote from: Kuroimaken on March 16, 2013, 03:32:43 PM

Leave it to a man with half-boiled insults to get his geography wrong.

To be honest, SorO, I don't care what you think.

And frankly, I wouldn't care if no one else believed me, either.

I know my truth, and that's good enough for me.

Yeah some major miscommunication. I thought this thread was you spicing up your stories in a humorously epic way. And here lately I pulled Kuro's Tales out as an example of how to write a report with a certain co-worker of mine, figuring our Q&A would get a kick out of it.

I didn't realize you weren't offering them up as anything other than in good humor and seen a chance to poke some fun at you. And even afterwards I commented about being so defensive you pulled your own version'ed rip off of CIS Miami so I continued to do so.

But if they are ego strokers and any comment about them that can be taken in a negative way pisses you off, I can refrain my offering my two cents for the most part.

Kuroimaken · « **Reply #301 on:** March 16, 2013, 04:14:56 PM »

It's mostly the fact that you can be acidic enough to make a lemon look sweet, dude. I don't particularly mind, but I should note that the ultimate judge of what is and isn't true in this thread isn't you.

Every now and then someone comes up with "are you for real" in this thread, and it annoys me. I get defensive, yeah. I don't mind being poked fun at, though I should note this struck a little closer to home because I've been working hard to lose weight.

There's been more than one occasion in which I've done something absurd without getting hurt, for reals. Are some of these stories spiced up? Maybe. But not all of them are. They're all true in some form or fashion, possibly including all of it.

That hole in the street? It was me. Foot first.

Kuroimaken · « **Reply #302 on:** June 20, 2013, 05:26:07 PM »

So, for those of you aware of what's been going on in Brazil lately, it should be noted that several members of the police have been found disguised amid the protestors, and many of them have either incited or directly participated in acts of vandalism.

There was another protest today.

I'm getting ready to get to work when we get a call from downstairs about the people starting to gather.

I get suspicious, so I bring my wooden sword. Just in case.

Sure enough, there's a small gaggle of people separating from the main throng and discussing amongst themselves.

That's when I spot one of them reaching for a lighter and a bottle.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"Mind your own business."

"You want to torch your sister's brothel, that's fine by me. But I have it on good authority it's not in this street."

The guy puts the lighter and the molotov aside and pulls out a switchblade. I smile.

"Fuck off."

"After you. Get the hell out of my street, punk."

As I'm saying this, I have my sword slung over my shoulder and one hand in my pocket. The guy steps in for a thrust. I sidestep and kick him in the face with the heel of my shoe, ending with my knee casually bent so my sole is knee-high with the other leg. I tip my hat with the hand previously in my pocket.

"Anyone else want to spend the next three days on a morphine-induced dream?"

The other guys reach for weapons of their own. One of them catches my attention - he brings out a nightstick that looks remarkably like those issued by the police. He swings at me, and I dodge again. "No, no, no, this won't do. That's not how you use a stick." I promptly break his wrist with the pommel of my wooden sword, grab the nightstick and pop him once on each side of the forehead.

A couple of minutes later it's all over, and that's when I hear a louder sound and a light sting on my back. I look down and I see what looks like a couple of tiny rubber balls on the ground. I glare at where they came from.

And it's a "regular" guy with a rubber slug shotgun.

With a little call from my mom, we had the guys arrested by federal police, rather than regular uniforms. The Court's SP will handle the investigation, since it was technically a citizen's arrest.

Raineh Daze · « **Reply #303 on:** June 20, 2013, 08:11:42 PM »

Well, that's got to be embarrassing for the police.

nijineko · « **Reply #304 on:** June 23, 2013, 06:02:35 PM »

kuroseigi. ^^

Kuroimaken · « **Reply #305 on:** June 23, 2013, 06:06:19 PM »

I DO have this long, billowing black scarf.

All I'm missing is a grasshopper-themed biker's helmet and a badass belt, I guess.

Kuroimaken · « **Reply #306 on:** October 23, 2013, 04:50:02 PM »

So I've had a rather crappy day. Not a whole lot of clients. One of our salespeople seemed to be arguing about her prospective future in the company. The works.

So I figure: I'm gonna get home, laze out and relax.

I finish up early, thankfully.

As I'm heading home, it starts to drip.

I shrug and figure, okay, so I'm gonna be a little wet when I get home. No biggie.

As I start walking, the rain gets progressively WORSE. Pretty much gets to the point where I can't see an inch ahead of me.

At this point I grumble.

"Ha-ha. Very funny, God. You don't really think I'm going to get all depressed and shit just because of a little rain?"

I suddenly begin to be hit by hail. Honest-to-god, motherfucking hail. Which doesn't make a lick of sense, seeing as we're not in cold weather anymore.

Now, at this point, I'm PISSED.

"That's IT? That's all you got? THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK IS GONNA BRING ME DOWN?!

WELL I'M NOT FUCKING IMPRESSED! COME ON, BITCH, GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING BEST SHOT!!"

Everything goes kinda white and silent for about a minute.

As I come to, my vision has spots and my ears are ringing. I smell coal and ash. It's still pouring, but I see there's some... smoke rising, for some reason.

I realize that's because I'm apparently standing in the middle of a circle of blackened soot.

I check myself. Ears not bleeding. Eyes slowly getting accustomed to vision again. My headphones, which had been blasting music up until then, are still working, and by extension, my cell phone. My clothes aren't even ripped.

...

...

...

"HA! MISSED MY TOUCH AC, ASSHOLE!!"

Gazzien · « **Reply #307 on:** October 23, 2013, 10:23:34 PM »

Kuro... you are my favorite person.

It probably sucked really hard for you, but... ahhhh, that made me laugh.

Kuroimaken · « **Reply #308 on:** October 24, 2013, 12:02:44 AM »

Wasn't much worse than the one time some moron tried to mug me with a homemade flashbang.

For the record, this is what the storm looked like rolling in.

(click to show/hide)

Gazzien · « **Reply #309 on:** October 25, 2013, 10:55:30 AM »

Quote from: Kuroimaken on October 24, 2013, 12:02:44 AM

Wasn't much worse than the one time some moron tried to mug me with a homemade flashbang.

For the record, this is what the storm looked like rolling in.

(click to show/hide)

Ahhh, I miss good old storms like that one. Used to live up in New England, now I've been in Cali for a few years. Still wish I got storms like that over here... though hopefully without the getting hit by lightning part

Raineh Daze · « **Reply #310 on:** October 25, 2013, 10:57:40 AM »

Is that a cloud or a giant hand tapping the landscape?

Kuroimaken · « **Reply #311 on:** October 25, 2013, 11:00:01 AM »

I'm gonna tread lightly and bet on hand.

Kuroimaken · « **Reply #312 on:** November 06, 2013, 03:16:41 PM »

So, today, I'm at the grocery store. It's kind of hot outside so I'm wearing a tanktop. And I notice that the gal behind me is breathing in a certain way. I've got my headphones on.

Without turning, I talk to her.

"Judging by your breathing pattern - shallow inhales, deep exhales - you're rather impatient. Your feet are shuffling back and forth, and from the sound that your basket makes when they do, you've got mostly chocolates and the like - maybe some coffee as well. It is now a quarter past noon so you're not buying these for breakfast, but you're not buying it for lunch, either. Judging from where your breath touches my back, you're a little too tall to be a teenager, but even at a most generous lunch break you wouldn't be buying these for your coworkers.

My conclusion is that you're antsy to meet your boyfriend so you can both have lunch and then spend the afternoon watching a movie marathon. If I may suggest, try taking deeper breaths and longer exhales. Your perception of time will speed up by comparison since it will improve oxygenation to your brain."

I hear a stumble as she listens. I don't turn yet. I can tell she's spooked. "Who the hell are you?"

"Also, take a left when you exit the store. The right hand side of the pharmacy is under repairs so it's not open yet."

And then my turn at the register comes up.

Gazzien · « **Reply #313 on:** November 06, 2013, 04:54:07 PM »

Kuro... what the hell.

You are legitimately scary. That's... that's not okay.

Teach me your tricks, oh master of subtle arts.

Atmo · « **Reply #314 on:** November 07, 2013, 02:18:28 PM »

I'm grateful for living in Hellcife, not São Paulo.

Kuroimaken · « **Reply #315 on:** November 07, 2013, 03:31:53 PM »

I live in Porto Alegre.

awaken_D_M_golem · « **Reply #316 on:** November 07, 2013, 05:22:53 PM »

random NSA guy says: now he tells them.

Kuroimaken · « **Reply #317 on:** November 07, 2013, 06:34:08 PM »

Random NSA guy, you're next on my list.

nijineko · « **Reply #318 on:** November 11, 2013, 04:51:05 PM »

this... wouldn't happen to be you, would it?

'cause, if it is, you are apparently of some fame even in japan. (or at least someone likes your pic....)

awaken_D_M_golem · « **Reply #319 on:** November 11, 2013, 04:53:32 PM »

Niji outs himself as the agent in charge of monitoring the Kuroimaken.

News:

Author Topic: Kuro's Improbable Tales (Read 106093 times)