I'll take a shot at the ones I can. I'm probably taking these more seriously than you meant them...
When is now?
Never. 'Now' is a fictional construct meant to illustrate that something happening over a duration of time is currently in the process of happening, but there is never and will never be a process moment which is 'now.' There simply is what will be and what has been.
If a turtle has it's shell surgically removed, is it naked or homeless?
Naked. Homes (while just being where the heart is) are usually places with room to move around and keep your stuff. A turtle is just wearing very loose armor.
Can one truly perform self-help?
Yes, or else it would not be possible to "help one's self" to another portion of delicious pie.
Why are free drinks on the house if you're served one inside?
It's the same idea as "the house always wins" when dealing with casinos. "The house" is the hosting organization or business, and the drinks are "on them" the same way they are "on me" when I buy a round for the bar when I've had too much to drink.
If olive oil is made out of olives, should I hold funeral rites for my baby oil?
Two different naming conventions... Edible oils are usually named by what they are made with. Oils not intended for eating are usually named by that which they are intended to be used on.
Why is silence golden if duct tape is silver?
Because duct tape's intended use isn't as a gag, but for bondage.