I've learned something about myself today, and about others, in the process of doing the right thing for someone.
One of my coworkers has a daughter. She has serious respiratory problems, so she's been in need of an atomizer for some time now. My coworker doesn't make all that much (I work only four hours, so technically neither do I, but he's the sole provider for his wife and child whereas all my spending needs are luxury and comfort items; to top it off, he's building a house for his family so his budget is already strained), and he works two jobs. So naturally, when the atomizer they'd been using so far just kinda vanished off the face of the earth on account of it being a loan from someone else, the guy was worried about his little girl. I told him that my sister used to need an atomizer too on account of asthma and that I'd speak to my mother about it, if nothing else to get some advice about the best brands and whatnot.
Mom obviously volunteered to help, including financially, as soon as I told her what was going on. Between how much she knows I trust the guy's sincerity in his love for his little one and having had to go through the worries of watching her children go sick (I used to need an atomizer too, but unlike my sister, I got better), there wasn't a speck of doubt in her mind. It came to me as no surprise; mom's always gone out of her way to help others, and she'd even been scolded on not helping herself often enough a few times. There was one thing in the back of my mind that was bothering me though, and that was the idea of giving him the money instead of the device.
Obviously not because I thought he'd spend it on something else. I just NEVER liked to mix friends/coworkers and money. It always gets in the way in some fashion or another. Add to that how the guy had a much more humble upbringing than me, and suddenly the whole thing takes on a life of its own.
Anyway, his daughter had an asthma crisis today, so he figured he couldn't stall to buy the device anymore. He comments on it and I tell him, "Dude, if you need that thing right now, I'll buy it for you." And I meant it. He asked later if I was serious about it, and I said yes. I didn't have my bank card on me, so after the shift was done, we went to my home. Mom loaned me her credit card so we would have a better means to negotiate once we found a good offer (and so we wouldn't wander around with money in our pockets). Anyway, understandably enough, the guy was very grateful to me, and I told him not to sweat about paying me back - to put his mind at ease, I said I was doing it for his little girl and not for him. You know, tough guy act. He thanked me a lot for it anyway.
But there is a slight nagging part of me that's worried about him actually sweating about it. I keep telling myself, "it's just money, and I did exactly what anyone in my stead should have done". I'd never cared much about spending before, and I know that while not having money is hard, having it and not needing it for anything is hollow. A part of me is scolding itself about overthinking this: about how I can't seem to get the thought of what happened today out of my mind. I offered to help, like I always do, but the fact that there was money involved made my mindset a bit of a mess. I've come to the conclusion that I like to help people in many ways, but using money is not one of them. That's settled my heart a little bit, though I'm obviously still thinking about it, since I'm writing this. It wasn't the first time I've helped anyone and it certainly won't be the last, not if I have anything to say about it, but... I dunno, my heart's kind of a mess right now. I guess I'll settle down once I know my coworker's daughter is well and that the atomizer is being put to good use.
But it makes me happy to know I helped someone. I've always known how true selflessness is a rare and difficult thing to achieve, but I'd never felt just how hard that was until now. Funny - I never thought twice about what giving people some of my time to help them meant I was giving something, but the moment it touched my wallet, I get all introspective about it.
Anyway, at this point I'm both ranting AND coming dangerously close to bragging about a good deed, if I haven't done so already, so I should cut myself short.
